Emotional Rollercoaster

It's taken about a month for this writer to fully process the range of emotions created from the conclusion of the Summer softball season. It is with great sadness, that I report Balls Deep finished in a disappointing 3rd place in the A-League Summer League Playoffs. Despite the crying, finger-pointing, and internal fist-fights, Balls Deep team members seemed to take the loss OK.......well most people.

Coach Heater lost his cool once again, and even refused to pitch in what would be the final game of the Balls Deep season. After the game, he didn't hold back while talking with reporters. "We have the highest payroll in the league, and we finished 3rd", yelled Coach Heater. "Some things are going to have to change around here. I can't afford to pay these guys to come out and play like this much longer", Heater continued. On a brighter note, there were some positives that came out of the loss. Centerfielder, Casey Hahn, was honored in the 5th inning for setting the league record for "Most Curse Words Said Under His Breath". A short ceremony commemorated this historic milestone, while Hahn addressed the crowd with a brief acceptance speech. "I knew I had spent the majority of this season pretty ticked off at my teammates, but I had no clue I was so close to setting this record", said a surprised Hahn.

The Balls Deep season seemed to take a turn for the worse after they closed out the regular season with 2 consecutive losses. Tabloids began to show a disturbing trend as it was rumored that there was some turmoil between some of the teammates. This picture (right) was released by a Gainesville Sun photographer as evidence that Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris had reached a point where he felt he could park his Toyota 4 Runner whereever and however he wanted. "Look, I've earned this. I run this town, and I'll do whatever I want", said a defiant Cherry Bomb. This obviously was a cry for help, as Cherry Bomb saw his softball season crumbling in front of him. It was at this time that Cherry Bomb was immediately awarded "Outback Steakhouse Prima Donna of the Year", as it was evident no individual could top this outlandish behavior. Cherry Bomb promptly slammed down his award plaque stating he was "too good for this stupid honor", further solidifying his selection.

It seemed as though Coach Heater was all talk when referring to "making some changes", but for once he backed it up shortly after season's end. In a closed-door meeting, Coach Heater and right fielder, Craig, discussed the future direction of Balls Deep. This two-hour meeting resulted in a press conference where a normally quiet Craig took the lead in the conversation. Below, are transcripts from all parties participating in the press conference.

Craig:

"Coach Heater and I just had a discussion that I feel will be for the best of the Balls Deep franchise. It is with deep regret that I announce my retirement from Balls Deep. As with anything in my life, I feel like rule #1 is to always give it your full 70% effort. It was apparent that I could no longer do that. Behind my back, Coach Heater had hired a mathematician to calculate my effort during our games. The mathematician concluded that I was giving anywhere from 55-60% effort in most games. I'm not good with numbers, but he told me this was 10-15% below where I needed to be to give my full 70% effort. I have enjoyed my time with Balls Deep, but I just don't have anything left in the tank. It's best for both parties if we just part ways at this time. If I can't give my full 70% effort, I just don't feel like continuing this charade."

Coach Heater:

"I know many of you in the media want to point fingers and blame people for the way this season turned out. So, let me get this out of the way real quick. I say we all point our fingers at Craig. He's the man to blame for everything. Let's take all the focus off of my pitching performance once and for all, and finally place the blame where it needs to go. Now that we got that out of the way, I'd like to also announce the free-agent signing of our new utility player, Evan Stone. Evan is a guy we've been after for a few seasons now, but his agent kept holding out for a better contract offer. After turning down an offer to play in the Indonesian winter league, Evan decided to join the Balls Deep family. Evan, why don't you come up and say a few words........Craig, I think we're done with you. You can go on home now."

Evan Stone:

"First off, let me say what a honor it is to put on this Balls Deep uniform. Playing for the 3rd best team in the Tuesday Night Coed Gainesville City League A Division is simply a dream come true for me. I know I have some pretty small shoes to fill, so I'll do my best to make the franchise proud. It sounds like there were some stamina issues with last year's team, and I plan on introducing my teammates to my rigorous cardio training schedule. I think fans are really going to like the show we'll put on each week. Not only do I think we'll be talented, but I also have been working on some Harlem Globetrotters-like tricks to bring the crowd into games. You'll just have to come out to the park on Tuesday nights to see what I'm talking about."

Balls Deep opens up Fall/Winter League Play October 21st against an unannounced opponent. Rumors have it that several of the Balls Deep team members have been taking their 3 week offseason to better prepare their bodies for this season. Brad Weitekamp and Casey Hahn have taken the conventional route of weights and cardio. True to his rebel nature, Cherry Bomb is rumored to be participating in yoga routines by day and multiple drinking games by night. Free-agent signee Evan Stone has been spotted on various StairMaster equipment throughout the Gainesville area. If this hard work is any indication, this could be a fun squad to watch this season.

What A Bunch of Losers

The Balls Deep softball squad suffered a heartbreaking end to the regular season with a doubleheader sweep at the hands of Chaos and The Heat in City League softball action Tuesday night. Balls Deep still has qualified to participate in the "A League" Divisional Playoffs, but one question remains: Does anyone even care anymore?

Some questionable coaching decisions were made throughout the evening, such as inserting a girl into the starting lineup that hadn't played softball (or any other sport with a ball) in her life. Secretly, in my head, I bestowed the nickname "Rally Killer" upon her, mainly for her uncanny ability to be the batter with the bases loaded and strike out to end several promising innings. It was a bold strategy by Coach Heater to insert Rally Killer into the lineup, so he must have seen a little fire in her eyes that I was unaware of. Coach Heater commented, "We had won so many games in a row, I just figured I'd mix it up by throwing a completely inexperienced player into the lineup". When asked if he realized these were probably the 2 most important games Balls Deep had played to date, Coach Heater simply said, "ummmm........kinda forgot about that detail".

Balls Deep will have to do some soul-searching to be prepared in time for next week's playoffs. Some team members took the loss harder than others, and Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris was one who took the loss especially hard. "I really thought this was our year", said Cherry Bomb. He continued on by saying, "I just moved into a new townhouse a few weeks ago, so I've had a lot on my mind. Tonight sure doesn't help me cope very well with my issues". It took a good five minutes, but Cherry Bomb eventually lumbered back to his SUV and drove home visibly distraught. Craig, the Balls Deep rightfielder, left the field seemingly dazed by the evening. "What happened", asked Craig in an almost inaudible jumble of words. When Coach Heater informed him that Balls Deep just got beat in two straight games, it became apparent that Craig was asleep in rightfield for a good portion of the doubleheader. That explained why it appeared as though he was swinging with a pillow during his at-bats.

The night got ugly when a Balls Deep fan (and dog) began to boo the on-field performance of Balls Deep. Katie (who wouldn't reveal her last name despite the fact she's married to a player) said she "had enough and wanted to voice her displeasure". Coach Heater said, "I can understand a person booing us, but it appeared as though she taught her dog how to boo us through an elaborate treat rewarding system. A little uncalled for if you ask me". Heater closed by saying, "it was obvious that dog was only booing to get more treats".

I guess we'll see how Balls Deep bounces back after such a deflating evening of defeat. One thing is for sure after those 2 losses: Balls Deep lost a lot of respect and dished out a bunch of disappointment across Gainesville and its surrounding communities. Time will tell if their loyal fans will stick it out through such trying times.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #1

Wow, what an Olympics it was in Beijing. Michael Phelps is now officially been labeled the Greatest Olympian of All-Time, but there's one guy who will never be confused with the dolphin-like Phelps. Where Phelps glides through the water like a creature that was born of the sea, this man fights his way through the water like a llama with cement boots. With that being said, we proudly select Eric Moussambani as the worst Olympian of all-time.

Sarcastically nicknamed "The Eel", the pride of Equatorial Guinea broke onto the swimming scene in 2000 at the Summer Olympic Games in Sydney. Where most Olympians train for years preparing for Olympic glory, Moussambani felt that 8 months training in a hotel pool is all he would need to be ready. In a way, I guess he was right, as he actually won his first heat at the Summer Games in the 100m Freestyle event. The other two competitors in his heat were disqualified due to false starts, so technically Moussambani wasn't racing anyone else, but who's keeping track, right?

Now, let's put Moussambani's talent into a little bit of perspective. If you're like me, putting his racing times down won't do much to prove his worthiness of worst Olympian of all-time. In order to properly expose his lack of talent, we must compare him to some of the greatest swimmers in his era. Alexander Popov, one of the greatest swimmers of all-time happened to take home silver in the same event Moussambani was participating in, the 100m freestyle. His silver medal winning time was 48.69 seconds, while Moussambani recorded a sluggish time of just under 1 minute 53 seconds. Theoretically, Popov and the gold medalist, Pieter van den Hoogenband, could have finished their race, dried themselves off, gone to the concession stand to get a hot dog, and returned in time to see Moussambani finish his race. I don't think many Olympians eat hot dogs on a regular basis, so I'm guessing this probably didn't happen. It's still plausible though.

Many have tried to eclipse Moussambani's glory at the Sydney Games, but none have succeeded. Unfortunately, the Sydney Games would be The Eel's only Olympic appearance, but he set the bar for Olympic disappointment. Every 4 years his name is brought up in conversation as the Summer Games are upon us, hoping that the next Eric "The Eel" Moussambani will be discovered. The search continues, and who knows if there will ever be another Olympian like Moussambani.

For his lack of Olympic glory, Moussambani will receive a used swimming speedo and a medal that I have handmade out of tin foil, so Eric, if you're reading this, send me your home address and I'll get that shipped out for you. Congratulations, and thanks for the fond memories.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #2

Like the previous selection in our list, the number two selection is a team that I just couldn't leave off my list. This team plays in a sport most Americans can't stand to watch due to the rarity of teams actually scoring. Well, Americans would have loved to watch this team because they put up one of the most embarrassing defensive efforts in soccer, or "football", history. I present to you the 1912 Russian National Soccer Team.

This was an exciting time for Russia. World War I hadn't started yet, vodka exports were booming, and they finally had a soccer team in the Olympics. When looking at the history of Russian soccer, records always list how soccer has been played in Russia since 1887, 25 years prior to their first Olympics. Just a little tip for Russia: you might not want to brag about that too much. Another fact the history books like to mention as an accomplishment is that they lost to Finland 2-1 in their first ever Olympic Games. That's all fine and well, until you look at what happened in their other match in the Summer Games.

Finland was a decent team, who ended up finishing 4th in the 1912 Summer Games, so a 2-1 victory is nothing to be ashamed of. What they should be ashamed of is the 16-0 loss against Germany in their next game. That's right, they gave up 16 goals in a game that most people are accustomed to watching end in 0-0 ties. This was in 1912, so obviously video footage is a little hard to come by for this match, but one has to wonder if the Russian team was drunk or simply fell asleep.

The star of the show for Germany was Gottfried Fuchs, who scored 10 goals by himself! Seriously Russia, doesn't there come a point when you figure out you might want to guard him?? Something like a, "hey, that's the guy who has 7 goals already, let's step up the defense on him" probably would have done the trick. I guess that's a little to much to ask from the Russians though. If you take Fuchs' goals away, the Russians only get beat 6-0, which is just mildly embarrassing. A 16-0 loss is a complete disappointment to an entire country. Maybe that's why they went communist and changed the country's name 5 years later. Welcome to the list 1912 Russian National Soccer Team, your place will be forever secure here.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #3

We have now arrived to the number three spot on our countdown of the worst Olympians in history. So far we have featured two individuals, but I came across a team that just couldn't be denied recognition: the 1948 Iraq Men's Basketball Team. After taking 12 years off for World War II, the Summer Olympics were held in London. The world was ready to finally see the highest caliber athletes competing once again, while King George VI, Queen Elizabeth, and Queen Mary all were in attendance in a grand opening ceremony. Shortly thereafter, Iraq began what could be classified as the worst basketball performance in history. I was a little too young to be there, but I'm pretty sure the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers would have looked like gods next to this team.

Iraq started off the '48 Summer Games with a promising 102-30 loss at the hands of the mighty Philippines squad. Sadly, a 72-point loss would be as close as Iraq would get to sniffing a victory in pool play. Iraq finished pool play being outscored by its opponents by more than an 86 point scoring margin. I wasn't even aware that teams in 1948 could score 86 points in basketball, let alone beat another team by that kind of margin. Despite their horrible performance in pool play, they were able to tally 5 points somehow in their bracket, advancing to the 2nd round. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of scoring system advances a team to the 2nd round with an 0-5 pool play record, an offense averaging 22 points per game, and a defense allowing 109 points per game. I guess there was a strong desire to see some teams battle it out for 23rd place.

Iraq was matched up with Italy in the next round and actually gave their country a little hope they may be able to compete in the next round of play. True heart showed when the Iraq team was able to stay with Italy and hang in there for a 49 point loss. Well, Iraq lost in the 2nd round, so their games are over, right? Wrong, they received a bye in the next round of course! 0-6 apparently earns you a bye into the next round in the '48 Games. It's now become obvious that the 12 year hiatus has taken its toll on the Olympic scheduling committee.

The bye gave Iraq a little time to rest up for their matchup with Switzerland in the next round. This is what dreams are made of, playing for 21st place at the Olympic Games. Unfortunately for Iraq, 21st place is one of those "must be present to win" scenarios, and they forfeited by not showing up for their game. I guess their coach forgot to put "attend Olympic basketball game with my team" into his daily planner. 22nd place would have to do for this year's Games. Sadly, Iraq would not attend Helsinki to defend their 22nd place championship. It's this kind of sad performance that has earned the 1948 Iraq Men's Basketball Team a spot on our list.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #4

Here we are at the number four spot on our countdown to the world's worst Olympians in history. When looking back on the Olympics, there are definitely some memorable moments that you'll just never forget. Sometimes these moments are memorable for all the wrong reasons. That was the case when Great Britain's Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards strolled into Calgary to compete in the 1998 Winter Olympics ski-jumping competition. Edwards had already earned the title of the best ski jumper in Great Britain, but there was one major problem with that: Everyone in Great Britain is apparently BRUTAL at ski jumping. Edwards was an accomplished stunt jumper where he was able to jump 10 buses and 6 cars in his prime, however, he never seemed to translate any of that talent in the Calgary Winter Games.

Unlike our previous Olympian on the countdown, Abdul Baser Wasiqi, Edwards managed to not only secure last place in one event, but two. Such an accomplishment is almost unheard of, as training to finish last usually consumes too much time to allow for a dead last finish in any additional events. Not to be denied, Edwards beat all odds to take home last place in the 70m and 90m ski jumping contests. Edwards even set a new British record for distance in one of his jumps, demonstrating how truly awful the British are at ski jumping.

When a legend like this comes along, there are certain things that have to fall into place to help mold a last-place finisher. For Edwards, some feel that he was destined for doom due to his extreme eyesight problems. His telescopic glasses had to remain on at all times just for him to see. With the cold weather, the majority of Edwards' jumps took place with a nice set of frosty eyeglasses. Sounds like they hadn't invented contact lenses in Great Britain yet. Other people said sure the glasses helped him fail, but his weight was what made him a legendary last place finisher. At the time of competition, Eddie tipped the scales at 181lbs, which isn't bad until you realize that the average competitor weighed about 20lbs lighter. It can be settled on that a combination of beefiness and poor eyesight gave us the worst ski jumper in Olympic history 20 years ago.

So, let's all put our hands together for Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards. I'm sure there was pressure for him to lose a little weight and ditch the glasses, but he held strong. Due to his determination to go against the grain, he can now be mentioned right up there with some of the worst Olympians of all-time.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #5

We start our countdown of worst Olympic performances with someone you may be familiar with if you read the last blog posted. In all fairness, this Olympian claimed to have "hurt" his hamstring resulting his terrible performance at the 1996 Summer Games. This man holds a personal best in the marathon event with a time of 2 hours and 33 minutes, and had the honorable distinction of being the only Olympian from Afghanistan to participate in the 1996 Summer Games. Without further delay, I present Abdul Baser Wasiqi's marathon performance at the 1996 Summer Games in Atlanta as the #5 worst Olympic performances of all-time.

While Mr. Wasiqi finishes 5th in our contest, he wasn't so lucky in Atlanta during the 26th Olympiad......not by a long shot. Abdi Isak of Somalia was a heads-on favorite to finish last in the marathon, but Wasiqi wasn't about to let his last-place glory be stolen. When most athletes would have pulled out of the race after hurting their hamstring, Wasiqi knew he could become a legend if he stayed in the race. The table was now set: Isak of Somalia vs. Wasiqi of Afghanistan to see who could take home the title of worst marathoner in history.

I wasn't there, but I'm sure you could just feel the tension in the air. Two Olympic athletes going toe-to-toe, both striving for the same goal. It turned out Wasiqi ran, well limped, far behind his competition for a portion of the race. Just to be sure he finished last though, he took the veteran strategy of walking a good majority of the race to finish with a time of 4 hours and 24 minutes. For the record that is only 10 minutes faster than my marathon time, and I walked for 2 miles. Wasiqi blew away all other last-place challengers, finishing over an hour behind Isak who sadly took home 110th place. In order to really make Wasiqi feel like a last place finisher, he entered the Olympic Stadium to find workers making preparations for the Olympic's Closing Ceremonies. They had to postpone covering the track so the insistent Wasiqi could finish his "Olympic stroll".

The winning marathon time of the 1996 Summer Games was registered by Josia Thugwane of South Africa with a time of 2 hours and 12 minutes. The way I see it, our friend Mr. Wasiqi got to be an Olympic marathon runner twice as long as the winner did. What a sucker that Thugwane was. Congratulations Mr. Wasiqi, we salute your efforts!

Olympic Glory

The Olympics are finally here. After a long four-year wait the Summer Games have finally arrived up the algae filled waters of China and to the downtown doorsteps of pollution filled Beijing. The Great Wall isn't the only wall being discussed during the Games. That's right, the fake wall built to hide Beijing has the spotlight on. Its pretty bad when even the host country makes the decision, "hey, let's just put up a fake wall to hide our city". The whole "showcase your city" thing isn't something China is interested in. I hope those businesses got a nice payoff to stay closed during the Olympics. Its kind of hard to go to your favorite downtown deli when it has a 10ft fake wall in front of it. Anyway, on to the Games!

People always talk about the great Olympians. You know....Carl Lewis, Mark Spitz, Jackie Joyner-Kersee. That's good and all, but what about all the other Olympians who weren't so great. Nobody ever asks, "hey stranger, do you happen to remember who got dead last in the '96 Olympic Men's marathon"? Of course that's an easy one. Everybody knows that Abdul Baser Wasiqi is the guy that let down his entire country of Afghanistan. These are the type of people that we need not forget. When you think about it, there are a ton of people trying to be Olympians, and that's quite an accomplishment to be crowned the worst Olympian of all. I'd like to run down some of the worst Olympians of all-time.

In the coming days of the Olympics, I will research and select some of the worst-best athletes of all time. It will make you question athletic talent. It will make you question the desire of Olympians. It may even make you think there's still time for you to be an Olympian, but let's not get carried away. We all know that while you are drinking a beer watching Michael Phelps dominate in swimming, there is a kid out there training to be the Olympian that finishes dead last in the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. It could be a woman with asthma from Spain, who forgets her inhaler before the 2 mile run. It could be an American guy that just wants to go party in the Olympic Village before his boxing match. It could be a Jamaican sprinter that has too much sunscreen on his hands and drops the baton during his relay. We just don't know, and that's what the Olympic Spirit is all about.

Enjoy the Games, but don't forget to take notice when that last swimmer hits the wall. Its not everyday you can see one person let down an entire nation.

The Beatings Will Continue

In what has become somewhat of a routine, the Balls Deep softball squad has continued their Gainesville City League dominance with consecutive victories over The Master Batters and The Bangers. Balls Deep's record now stands at 6-0, along with 3 opponents peeing their pants out of fear and one opponent crying repeatedly for his mommy. "With my leadership, this team has to be the finest group of people I've coached", said starting pitcher Coach Heater. "Some said my lungs wouldn't hold up to the rigors of the city league, but I'm living proof that you can still smoke a carton of cigs and be successful in this league", he said.

In Week 5 action, the leading story was LF Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris' violation of team rules. While his team was out trying to move towards their first City League championship, Cherry Bomb decided he'd rather play kissy face with some girl in Amelia Island, FL. Commenting from a heart shaped bed somewhere in the 904 area code, Cherry Bomb simply said, "They'll get over it........sometimes I need some time off with the ladies". Coach Heater took swift action by suspending Cherry Bomb from playing in the game he was already missing. His suspension ran through 7:44pm the following Tuesday. This made Cherry Bomb available to be added back to the active roster in time for the 7:45pm game vs. The Bangers.

Battling what was rumored to be a serious back injury, Coach Heater pitched Balls Deep to a 12-8 victory over The Master Batters. Among many defensive gems, the headlining moment was when Craig, the Balls Deep RF, gave chase after a fly ball and managed to catch it. "I've been working all season on running past everything hit my way, but noticed that as a direct result of my actions, opposing teams were scoring several more runs than they should be", said Craig. He continued by saying, "I always wondered what this leather thing was used for on my left hand, but I found it quite useful when attempting to catch fly balls hit my way in the past few games". SS Brad Weitekamp was visibly upset that his streak of games without a HR had risen to 4 games, a career high. When asked if he was happy his team won, Weitekamp said, "Sure, that's great, but these fans pay to see me hit HR's not doubles. I just need to put on a better show for them."

In Week 6 action Balls Deep took on The Bangers in what looked to be a matchup between two City League titans. Unfortunately, for The Bangers, they forgot to bring any talent to Westside Park. Balls Deep toyed with them for a few innings, with the score tied 3-3 after 3 innings. It was all Balls Deep after that, cruising to a 15-3 blowout win. Suzi, filling in at catcher for the night, recorded her first career hit with Balls Deep, ending an 0-43 start to her slow-pitch softball career. Suzi said, "I feel like I've had some tough breaks at the plate. Hopefully this will be the start of something big, but I wouldn't put my money on it". Cherry Bomb was back in veteran form as he turned in a muti-hit game. His selfish actions from the previous week, however, still hadn't left the minds of some teammates, specifically CF Casey Hahn. Hahn said, "If he's wants to run off with some girl to make out, that's fine, but he needs to do it in our dugout on gamedays. That way we can all see it and take notes if we feel it's necessary". Hahn's feelings were shared by several teammates who voted Cherry Bomb "Least Favorite Teammate of Week 6".

In other news, the league commissioner has announced that the All-Star Game has been cancelled. After much deliberation and vote tallying, the league office had confirmed what the rest of the league had already suspected. The entire All-Star Game roster would have been made up the entire Balls Deep roster. Online voting has been halted and ideas are being sought for events that may be substituted for the All-Star Game.

Events suggested thus far include:

-Rematch in the Casey Hahn vs. Armadillo footrace from Week 2

-Dizzy Bat Race featuring entire Balls Deep squad vs. Tim Tebow

-Wrestling match pitting Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris vs. an authentic wild Florida Boar

It must be noted that if the Hahn-Armadillo race is selected, it will have to be a different armadillo. The last armadillo, suffered a career-ending death when it was hit by a passing car.

I'm Alive, Barely

It was touch and go for awhile there, but I'm proud to say that I am still alive and kicking. It started out as a normal Saturday in Florida. My friends Matt and Bill, along with myself, departed for a Jacksonville, FL fishing trip promptly at 4am from Gainesville, FL. We spent most of the drive discussing the wondrous creatures we would be fishing for. Mainly trout, redfish, and possibly the occasional flounder or a tarpon if we were lucky. Oh what a day this would be.

The first stop was at the house of Matt's father to pick up the boat and continue north to our fishing area. Upon hooking up the boat to Matt's vehicle, we were greeted by an intense odor. This was not a pleasant odor, and the worst part is that we could not pinpoint its location. We didn't think much of it, until we left the driveway where something appeared to be sitting in the driveway. Oh well, no big deal, probably just some garbage or something. We trekked onward, and then it hit Matt. Long story short, what we had just run over was a 2-week old rotisserie chicken that had severely decomposed in the driveway......and 25 miles later, the smell was still ingrained into the tires of our vehicle. While a little shaken up, we decided to continue on our trip. We had no idea what we were in store for.

Matt and I were in his boat, and Bill had his boat as well. Needless to say we had quite the fleet to attack our desired sea-dwelling creatures. We hit the water around 7:30am after picking up bait and doing a little detective work to track down Bill's wallet. As suspected, Bill's wallet was right where he left it. We set out towards the fishing grounds and proceeded to have minimal success for the first 5 hours or so of the day. While moving to a new spot, a 70lb tarpon taunted us by doing a cartwheel about 10 feet in front of our boat. It was determined that we would not stand for this behavior out a fish, for we were higher up on the food chain. In order to catch this fish, we would need some more attractive bait. Matt suggested mullet would do the trick. I then asked, "but won't a trailer park haircut just fall off the hook"? I then recalled that there was indeed a bait fish called mullet, so we proceeded to catch some with our cast net.

So, we were all set to start landing some serious fish. No more than 15 minutes after tossing our lines out there, Matt's fishing rod bends as our culprit, the tarpon, takes the bait. We confirmed this when he once again taunted us by doing another cartwheel, then promptly busting Matt's line as he took off with a full meal. Little did the sea-creatures know, they were merely fueling our fire. Matt rigged up a more durable fishing setup this time and tossed another mullet out there. About 15 minutes later, the fight was on, and this one was not going to get away. The problem was that there was no fish jumping out of the water, a sure sign of a tarpon. This was a large creature, so we were puzzled as what it could be. Maybe it was a stingray? Nope, it started to take off like a fish. Well, that settles it. It must be a shark. No worries though, they usually don't get too big in the area where we were fishing. Probably just a few feet long and no more than 50lbs or so. We handed our camera to Bill, untied our boat from his, and were prepared to fight this shark no matter what his size was. The fight was on.


After hitting the one hour mark fighting this shark, it was apparent our little friend was not so little. After an hour and fifteen minutes, our shark had finally surfaced. It was then we all realized that the shark Matt was attempting to land was indeed larger than he was. It was later determined that this shark was 5'9" and an estimated 150+lbs, which would have made him the 2nd largest living thing on our boat besides me. Shark meat is quite tasty if prepared and stored properly, so we decided we were going to attempt to take this one home. The problem was that none of the three of us had the slightest clue how to go about this. Bill had the talent to tie a slip-knot to put around the shark's tail, and I had the talent to be stupid enough to stick my hands in the water and tie the shark up. I also had the bright idea of trying to bring a live, 150lb shark on the boat with us.
For safety's sake, it's for the best that this is as far as I got it by myself. The shark was a little more feisty than anticipated.

We decided that we should probably play it safe and let the shark settle down a bit before letting him join us on our "floating boat of idiots". After awhile, Bill joined us on our boat to help finally bring the shark aboard. With his help, we finally had landed our shark and were ready to head home.......the shark had other plans though. About a minute was all this guy could sit still for then he started to make a break for the water by flipping about in the boat. By this time it was massive shark in the front, 3 scared guys in the back. I would like to point out that only one of us screamed like a schoolgirl though. We have it on video and that person knows who they are.

After this we were on our way home and everybody was still alive with all appendages still attached. That's a success in my book. No more than 3 hours later we would be feasting on shark steaks.

Final Score:

Boat of Idiots - 1
Feisty Shark - 0

Proud Traditions

My home state of Illinois is known for some pretty cool stuff. For a state that is 98% farmland (way to ruin it Chicago), Illinois has quite a few accomplishments they should be proud of. Abraham Lincoln gave his Farewell Address about 7 miles from my house, Michael Jordan won 6 titles in a city that should be its own state (maybe I'll cover that in another blog), the phrase "March Madness" was first used in reference to the Illinois High School basketball postseason, and most importantly sweetcorn festivals are celebrated each year at the exact hottest point of the year. Nothing says Illinois Summer like sweating profusely while you gobble up your 9th ear of sweetcorn.

Some more recent traditions have been attempted in Illinois and I'd like to cover some of the more notable ones for you loyal readers out there. I'll provide you with three examples: one of which failed to really take off, one of which has a strong tradition that is looking to live on, and one that is just getting started. In order to properly bias my story, I'll start with the tradition farthest from my hometown, and finish with the one closest to my hometown. I have provided a
link to a map that will help you to seek out the cities on our journey through this blog.

Our first stop takes us to Bath, IL for the Redneck Fishing Tournament. Bath is located about 55 miles to the northwest of my birth home of Rochester. This is something you have to see to believe, so check out the video. I'd also like to note that the redneck with the confederate flag must be an out-of-state fisherman. Even for Illinois rednecks, confederate flags are a little over the top. Picture a bunch of river-folk running around on a muddy river in their 16-foot aluminum boats trying to catch flying fish......without a fishing pole. While this may not quite have the status of a Farewell Address, it has built itself into quite a little event for the town of Bath. Thanks to The Brick Tavern, they even have a Wet-Tee Contest for the ladies, and a Tidy-Whitey Contest for the men. The best news yet, you haven't missed it. Hit the road and head to Bath, IL for the 2008 Redneck Fishing Tournament this weekend. You stay classy Bath.



From Bath, we move 48 miles to the southeast and arrive in Springfield, IL. The capital of Illinois is rich in history. Abraham Lincoln literally put Springfield on the map when he moved the capitol here from Vandalia in 1837. Now that's getting things done. Current Governor Rod Blagojevich has attempted to pull his own Lincolnesque move and turn Chicago into the capitol, but that's a different story. Springfield doesn't really do much to make the news these days, with Lincoln moving away and all. Enter the "Bird Whisperer". Apparently the city was looking to start a new tradition a little over a year ago......killing birds in the downtown area. The city hired an 84 year-old man, Jim Soules, and paid him $164,000 to rid the city of its bird problem in "non-lethal" ways. Apparently, his non-lethal "methods" involved guns and poison (the chemical, not the band), so that tradition didn't last long. He then died in June of this year. I'm guessing it was just of old age, but wouldn't it be ironic if it was avian bird flu?


Now, we move on to the east 7 miles to my hometown of Rochester, IL. This quaint little town of 3,500 has managed to build a multi-million dollar fine arts building on the high school's campus. A new and hopefully long-standing tradition of cultural event for the entire town to enjoy for years to come can now blossom in this state-of-the-art facility. Millions of dollars should get you a nice facility, right? One that has all the amenities you would need, right? One that matches the color of the existing buildings, right? Nice facility...check. Top notch amenities...check (they have a flying machine!?!?). Matching exterior color...oops. Instead of red brick, a gleaming white brick exterior coats this masterpiece. Oh well they said, let's start having some performances so we can start to pay for this thing. Next up "Urinetown". It's exactly how it sounds too. The musical centers around a town and its displeasure in mandatory pay-per-use toilets. This will be the 2nd fundraising performance at the facility. The Yankees have the "House that Ruth Built", Yankee Stadium, and now Rochester, IL can proudly say that they have the "House that Pee Built".

How Much Longer Must I Wait?

As I get older, it seems as though I care less and less about what clothes I wear for the most part. Every day for work, I wear one of two options for shorts, pick the next solid colored polo that happens to be in my standard polo lineup, slip on my flip-flops and head out the door. If I have a meeting, I might mix it up with a pair of slacks and actually put on some shoes. Anyway, I'm in the market for a new pair of shoes.

With this in mind, I was also thinking about getting another pair of shoes just to wear around that are comfortable. I saw a man at the gym the other day that was quite "advanced" in age. He had these tiny legs and surrounding his feet were what appeared to me as little pillows of heaven in velcro shoe form. That got me wondering, "What age is it OK for a man to wear velcro shoes on a regular basis"? I mean, when I was younger, I'm pretty sure I wore them out of my inability to properly tie my own shoes. There's a time when velcro becomes uncool as a kid, but when does it become socially acceptable again? I had this sweet pair of maroon velcro 'Roos (outsiders often called them by their proper name, Kangaroos). They had a pouch on the side just like the animal version, minus the slimy mucous, where you could hold your change and other kid paraphernalia. To top this off Ozzie Smith wore some 'Roos baseball spikes....seriously take a look at the Kangaroo emblem on the side of his shoes in the picture. So lets sum this up: velcro, pouch (without mucous), Ozzie Smith wears them. All good things for a young Cardinal fan, so I'd have to say my maroon 'Roos were my favorite shoes of all time.

Back to my dilemma. I'm going to be 28 on Sunday, and I'm wondering am I still too young to wear a pair of velcro shoes? To put my disdain for shoelaces into perspective, 3 months after my dog ate my shoelaces, I have yet to replace them because of their ease of slipping onto my feet. I shrug it off to my friends by saying "shoelaces are for rich people", but the truth is that I hate tying shoes. It just takes too much time and it doesn't seem like an efficient way to wear a pair of shoes. It would be so nice to put on a pair of 'Roos, slap on my velcro straps, stick my house key in their convenient pouch (without mucous), and go for a nice stroll around the neighborhood.

After that sentence, I may have even talked myself into getting a pair regardless of what anyone thinks. I'm pretty sure the man I saw wearing velcro shoes at the gym was somewhere between 90-120 years old, but he looked so happy in those shoes. If he can be comfortable wearing them, just think how they would feel on my feet. I bet this world would be a much happier place if everyone just wore a pair of 'Roos and went about there normal days. Whos idea was it to invent dress shoes anyway? If everyone revolts and just wears 'Roos, then it would be perfectly acceptable to wear velcro shoes in business meetings. Something to think about.

How'd That Get There?

Well, well, well. What do we have here? It gets tiring living in SEC country and hearing the repetitive scandals of college football players. Well, that pattern has shifted a little and now the focus is on one of the more famous former SEC head football coaches. Every team has their turn dealing with little behavioral "issues", and now it's Auburn's turn, specifically former football coach Pat Dye.

Just a little background on Pat Dye for those who haven't heard of him. As a player, Dye was a two-time All-American in 1959 and 1960 at the University of Georgia. As a coach, he was 153-62-5 over 19 seasons at East Carolina, Wyoming, and most notably at Auburn. While at Auburn, he won 4 SEC Championships, and stands 3rd all-time in wins at Auburn. Dye was named National Coach of the Year in 1983 and was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame in 2005. Sounds like he must have been pretty legendary while in Auburn, AL. You know, I bet they treated him like a god in Auburn in the 70's and 80's. That would be pretty cool to be in your late 30's early 40's coaching a successful SEC football teams in one of the most college-football crazy towns. I would venture to guess he had a pretty good time there. Enough fun to lose his pants? You be the judge.

As most Americans are aware, in the last couple of years, rain has been pretty scarce in the south. This has caused several recreational lakes to dry up, and some interesting things have popped up: ancient trees, cars, golf clubs, tools, Pat Dye's pants........wait, what!?!? Pat Dye's pants?? Apparently Shannon McDuffie was minding her own business just riding along the drought-stricken shores of Lake Martin in Alabama when she noticed a pair of slacks stuck in the mud. But, those could be anybody's pants right? Just because you find a pair of pants in a lake doesn't mean they're Pat Dye's. That is correct until you find Pat Dye's government issued gas card, frequent flier card, credit card, driver's license, and Toyota car keys attached to an Auburn football helmet key chain.......all from the 1980's!

With wallet, credit cards, and car keys, one would assume these pants were obviously in use at the time of their disrobing. When asked how he lost his pants Dye said "I have no idea how I lost 'em, but we can make up a good story". Suuuuuure Pat, we can make up a good story. You know, if I lost my pants with my car keys and wallet containing all of my credit cards and forms of ID, I'm pretty sure it would be a simple task to remember the scenario that left me pantless with no way into my car. For Pat, things must've been pretty interesting.

I can see it now, as Pat stumbles down an Alabama dirt road with no pants:

Police Officer: Sir, how come you don't have any pants on?

Pat Dye: Well, you see officer, I was out recruiting for next season. When I went to get in my car and come home, I realized I had no pants. You see, just a simple honest mistake.

Police Officer: So, you have no idea how you lost your pants? Can I see some ID?

Pat Dye: Well, actually I also seem to have misplaced all forms of ID.

Police Officer: Wait a second. Aren't you Pat Dye, the football coach?

Pat Dye: Yes, unfortunately I am. Officer, can you give me a ride home? I seem to have misplaced my car keys as well.

Police Officer: I think that'd be for the best. Especially with the stench of whiskey on your breath.

That's how I see it going down. A whiskey-drenched Pat Dye gets a cop-car ride home with no pants on. Now, I would think that would be pretty memorable. Apparently Pat Dye doesn't.

Who Wants a Piece of Us?

I'm being serious, who wants a piece? You other teams in the City League better watch out, and I'm looking at you Central Builders. Your schedule seems to be missing a game against us, and if I find out you're dodging Balls Deep, there's gonna be trouble in Gainesville. Balls Deep is on a roll after taking out Old School 13-2 in Week 3 action, and the rest of this league better take notice. You have all been officially warned.

The game got started in shocking fashion as a Balls Deep opponent scored first. The occurrence caused Coach Heater's cigarette to fall out of his mouth on the pitching mound, where he immediately went into shock from nicotine withdrawal. Luckily, first baseman Stephen Miller was able to find and place multiple nicotine patches directly onto Coach Heater's temples and bring him to his senses. "I saw a bright light and thought I was a goner", said a tense Coach Heater. He continued by saying, "I'll be fine as long as I have my sweet, sweet nicotine". Once the nicotine began to flow through Coach Heater's veins, he began to mow down opponents like fans have been accustomed to.

Brad Weitekamp and Cherry Bomb Charris ended their home run streaks at 2 games, but both turned in multi-hit games on the night. Cherry Bomb managed to put together a nice game at the plate despite what appeared to be a police helicopter circling overhead to confront him about potential "issues" with the law. "To my knowledge, I haven't done anything illegal since my massive steroid distribution ring was taken down during the last softball season", said Cherry Bomb. He continued by saying, "I learned my lesson with that, because I really thought we covered our tracks well, but I guess not. Who would have known that dumpster was owned by the police department". Casey Hahn also managed to put last week's armadillo race incident behind him. Indirectly killing an armadillo didn't seem to phase Hahn as he turned in a multi-hit game of his own. When asked about how he was able to move past last week's incident, Hahn replied, "What armadillo? I'm just out here doin' my thing".


There was some confusion at the start of the game as to the absence of some legendary Old School players. Balls Deep was really looking forward to playing Old School, as it was assumed the team would be made up of the movie cast from the 2003 comedy hit, Old School. "I was really looking forward to matching up against Blue Palasky and Frank "the Tank" Ricard, but obviously they are too good for slow-pitch softball", said shortstop Brad Weitekamp. Apparently there's good reason for Ricard and Palasky not being in uniform for the game after we spoke with Old School team manager Tim Wollmann. "Let me clear some things up. First of all, Palasky has been dead for almost 3 years now, so I'd say he's excused", said Wollmann. "As for Ricard, I'm not sure if you noticed in the movie, but he had a bit of a drinking problem, so he's been in the Betty Ford clinic for the better part of the past 5 years", commented Wollmann. He went on to say, "We'd love to have those guys out here, but with Palasky being dead and Ricard fighting alcoholism, I just don't see them being a part of this organization anytime soon".


Balls Deep moves to 3-0 on the season and has outscored opponents 51-9 in their first three matchups. Next week's game will feature Balls Deep vs. the Bench Warmers at 7:45pm.

Macaroni Grill's Ravioli Gets Toasted

They came in with some top-notch uniforms and a big-name sponsor, but walked out with their tails in between their legs. Like a bunch of scared puppies, Macaroni Grill's "Mac Shack" soiled themselves to an 21-4 loss at the hands of the mighty Balls Deep squad. "What the hell just happened", said a stunned Mac Shack player. "The last I remember I got out of my car to play some ball, and now I've been told we just got mercy-ruled", said the shaken up player, who wished to remain anonymous.

Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris continued his torrid hitting with 2 more homeruns against the helpless Mac Shack. Things got a little chippy between the two teams as Cherry Bomb hit his 2nd homerun and taunted "you got Cherry Bombed, you got Cherry Bombed", as he rounded the bases. Charris simply shrugged off the incident saying, "hey, when you're good, you're good, and I'm AWESOME"! Shortstop Brad Weitekamp also extended his homerun streak to 2 games, with his shot into the centerfield shrubs during the 2nd inning. Confusion set in when Balls Deep was told they reached their homerun limit and any more homeruns would result in outs. "What am I supposed to do now?", said outfielder Casey Hahn. "I'm not going to pick up any chicks out here hitting doubles", a visibly upset Hahn continued. Once Hahn was reminded that he was already in a committed relationship, and that she was in attendance, he seemed to calm down markedly.

In addition to an offensive explosion, Balls Deep turned in some impressive defensive efforts on the day. Casey Hahn cut down what would have been an inside-the-park homerun by teaming up with Brad Weitekamp for what could only be described as the most perfect slow-pitch softball relay combination in history. Coach Heater managed to hang on to the blazing relay throw, make the tag at homeplate, and hold on to his cigarette. "That's what I call the trifecta", said a proud Coach Heater. Meanwhile, Cherry Bomb seemed puzzled out in leftfield by the number of throws needed to get the ball to Coach Heater at homeplate. Hahn politely explained to him, that's what happens when you hit the cutoff man. An enlightened Cherry Bomb proclaimed, "from this day forward, I pledge to hit all cut-off men in my throws back to the infield". To cap off the evening of defensive gems, Brad Weitekamp set a world record by catching 3 flyballs in one inning. "Last week, I set the record for most consecutive pitches taken, and now this. It's just a real emotional day for me", said Weitekamp as tears of joy streamed down his face.

In other news, the highly anticipated 40-yard race between Casey Hahn and an armadillo took place after the 5th inning. The armadillo got out to an early lead as Hahn stumbled at the start. Unfortunately, due to the genetic vision problems common in their species, the armadillo ran off track onto nearby 16th Ave and was quickly struck by a car. The armadillo was officially pronounced dead at 9:07pm at Shands Hospital. Hahn commented, "Sure the victory is a little bittersweet, but that armadillo lived a good life. It's just tragic it had to end like this". Memorial and burial services for the armadillo have not been announced.


In their next game, Balls Deep will take on Old School at 10pm next Tuesday. It remains to be seen if this will be past Cherry Bomb's bedtime.

New League, Same Results for Balls Deep

A defection to the Gainesville City League didn't seem to cool the bats of the Balls Deep softball squad last evening as they took home a 17-3 victory over Sum Total in the summer league opener. The weather looked like it may not cooperate, but due to a blockbuster deal forged with Mother Nature last week, the clouds seemed to magically disappear moments before first pitch. Balls Deep fans must have been anticipating rain and the sparse crowd, consisting of 3 people and one dog, showed evidence of this wrong assumption.

Balls Deep got on the board early and often as the Sum Total pitcher's "walk the world" strategy didn't seem to be paying dividends in the top of the 1st inning. Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris got things going with an inside-the-park grand slam in the inning, effectively living up to his new nickname. "I was really excited about using this new nickname", said Charris. "With a new league, you really want to start the intimidation factor early in the season, and it looks like 'Cherry Bomb' is going to take this league by storm. I have a pretty sweet logo and hope to start selling merchandise at games starting next week". It seems as though Cherry Bomb has put last season's steroid scandal, trade rumors, and birth certificate issues behind him and is focused towards making an impact in the rather stagnant slow-pitch softball merchandise industry.

All-everything shortstop Brad Weitekamp later would hit his own inside-the-park grand slam, but in the 3rd inning he set a record that has been around a long time. Weitekamp managed to take 9 consecutive pitches without swinging the bat (a new City League record), leading to 3 walks in his first 3 at-bats. "This is a record I've been eying for a long time now. I just needed to find a pitcher crappy enough to do it against", said Weitekamp. Somehow, he was able to lay off pitches that ranged from 3-6 feet short of home plate to set this highly sought after record.

Defense was a little shaky as every infielder recorded one error. "I feel like I've let down my family and team with my fielding error", said third baseman Casey Hahn. "Not to make excuses, but I had visions of making diving catches in the outfield and Coach Heater sticks me at 3rd base. Bush league move if you ask me", groaned Hahn. 2nd basewoman Pam Snook had good reason for her fielding error as she was busy dodging inappropriate advances from the 2nd base umpire for a good portion of the game. Snook commented, "It's hard enough to field the ball without having to dish out fake phone numbers to the umpire at the same time". Cherry Bomb Charris continued his defensive woes by failing to dive for what could have been a highlight reel catch, then missing the cut-off man in the same sequence. Looks like Cherry Bomb's assignment in the Spring Defensive Instructional League didn't teach him too much, but he does have a pretty sweet nickname, so all was forgiven.

Coach Heater seemed to be pleased with his squad's performance as he enjoyed his traditional post-game cigarette in the parking lot. "When I rolled up to the field, I was a little worried when I saw an opposing team member wearing matching baseball pants and socks", said Coach Heater. "I peed my pants a little, but I really had to go anyway, so I'm not sure if I peed out of fear or just a full bladder", Heater embarrassingly admitted. "No, I peed mine a little too, so it was probably fear", piped in Brad Weitekamp. Heater said he was impressed with his squad's ability to adjust to a new league so quickly. Other than Cherry Bomb's brief hissy fit about the fences being too long, the transition was rather smooth for Balls Deep. Coach Heater's squad will take a 6 game winning streak, dating back to last season, into next week's contest. In order to boost attendance for next week's contest, speedster Casey Hahn will be challenging an armadillo to a 40-yard dash after the 5th inning.

Why You Should Hate the Yankees (More Than You Already Do)

So interleague play is currently underway again in Major League Baseball. The Yankees traveled to Houston to take on the Astros in a 3-game series over the weekend. Interleague games always follow the rules of the home team, so if the American League team visits a National League team, the AL pitcher must hit in the batting lineup. Seems fair right? Well, not to Hank Steinbrenner. His ace pitcher, Chien-Ming Wang injured his foot running the bases and Hank thought he'd take a moment to put his two-cents in on the MLB Rule Book.

Here's what Hank had to say:

"My only message is simple. The National League needs to join the 21st century," Steinbrenner said in Tampa, Fla. "They need to grow up and join the 21st century."

Am I [mad] about it? Yes," Steinbrenner added. "I've got my pitchers running the bases, and one of them gets hurt. He's going to be out. I don't like that, and it's about time they address it. That was a rule from the 1800s"

Well Hank, you're an idiot. There's about a hundred rules from the 1800's that seem to work just fine for baseball. The designated hitter is an excuse for a bunch of non-athletes who are good at one thing to hang on in Major League Baseball. Just because you're spending $209M for your team to hover around 3rd place in the division, doesn't give you the right to be a crybaby like your daddy. Here's a little tip: SHOW YOUR PITCHERS HOW TO RUN THE FREAKIN' BASES! These are grown men, not newborn calves that can't stand up on their own two feet. I bet you could even teach an infant calf how to run the bases in a few training sessions, so that's really not even an excuse. Look at this little guy to the right. He looks like he could round the bases with a little practice.

Then to fuel my hatred for the Yankees even more, Yankee pitcher Mike Mussina chose to jump on the complaint train with these words:

"We don't hit, we don't run the bases," Mussina said. "You get four or five at-bats a year at most, and if you happen to get on base once or twice, you never know. We run in straight lines most of the time. Turning corners, you just don't do that."


Is this some kind of joke? A professional athlete talking about the hazard of "turning corners"?? You're right Mussina, you guys only get paid a few million dollars. Turning corners....that's just crazy talk. I wonder if the Yankees have some kind of special clubhouse setup for the pitchers if this is the case. Maybe they have personal "turn assistants" that point all pitchers towards their desired destination making sure they can reach destinations by moving completely in predetermined straight lines. When a pitcher needs to make a turn, they can then alert "turn assistants" to point their helpless bodies in a new, more-efficient straight line so as not to put unneeded stress on their joints.


You Yankees make me sick!

Grass Watch '08

Well, as you may recall a couple of weeks ago, my apartment complex implemented a strict no alcohol, g-string, and thong policy at the community pool. I am happy to report that the alcohol ban has been lifted, effectively ending prohibition in Smagnolia Splace (community name has been changed for legal purposes). The g-string/thong ban is still in place, although I did spot an equally offensive male speedo over the past weekend. I am currently seeing what can be done to ban speedos for the time being.

Moving on to more pressing news in the Smagnolia Splace community. It has come to my attention that the once perfectly manicured lawns, have taken on a jungle-like appearance over the past three weeks. I do recall a lawn mower making appearance here sometime in mid-May, but apparently management has chosen to move towards more of an Amazon themed community since then.

As of 8:45 p.m. the grass in front of my apartment stands at nearly 13 inches, a new Smagnolia Splace record. A rigorous irrigation schedule has fostered aggressive growth of all living things within the community, adding to the Amazon theme. It remains to be seen how this lawn care strategy will affect leasing numbers, as many current residents have been overheard complaining of losing children, pets, and various economy-sized vehicles in the jungle-like lawns.

I get it. Amazon is fresh, new and hasn't been tried before. What I'm worried about is the safety of the residents here in Smagnolia Splace. This new Amazon theme will eventually cause battling native tribes to evolve within the community.......you know poison blowdarts, man-made arrows, and booby traps. That's not something Smagnolia Splace management has the staff to handle.

I am determined to see that this Amazon movement is stopped immediately. Hopefully, management has to foresight to realize what will happen if this grass doesn't get cut soon. If this lasts into July, the consequences could be grave if tribal members get their hands on some fireworks.

Editor's Note: Grass has been cut, but on a related note, a part-time landscape maintenence job is now available at Smagnolia Splace.....and I'm being serious.

It's Gut Check Time

So I came across an interesting news story today. For those of you who don't know, Austria and Switzerland are currently co-hosting the Euro 2008 soccer championship. Apparently, Austria is pretty bad at soccer right now (92nd in the world bad), so they obviously need a little incentive to pull off any kind of miracle victory.

Enter Vienna brewery Ottakringer Brauerei AG.

They have apparently offered a lifetime supply of beer to any Austrian who scores a goal in their remaining games in the tournament. This is all fine and dandy for soccer players. They run around a lot and have the metabolism of a hummingbird, but what if this idea hits American sports? I hope there are some restrictions put on the players they would make this offer to, so with that in mind, I have created a list of the top 5 players who should not be given a lifetime beer supply incentive.

Without further delay, here's the list of the "Top 5 Athlete's You Would Not Want to Give a Lifetime Beer Supply Incentive To"

#5 Kyle Orton - Chicago Bears QB, 6'4'' 215lbs

Glancing at his roster height and weight, it seems pretty reasonable. When you take into account that the Chicago Bears media guide designer was probably drinking Old Style all day when he put Orton's weight at 215lbs, then you can begin to see that its probably about 30lbs more than that. His neckbeard alone recently checked in at a healthy 54lbs. Orton has also failed to hide his love for the bottle in the past, so the last thing he needs is a lifetime supply of beer. Although, with his love of alcohol, maybe an offer like this would turn him into the QB the Bears really need. Kyle, its your health I'm worried about though, so you sir have been disqualified for any free beer incentives. You'll probably be drunk on the sidelines this year anyway. Just cover your breath with that clipboard you're holding.

#4 C.C. Sabathia, Cleveland Indians LHP, 6'7'' 290lbs

Come on C.C., you're younger than me! How can you possibly be an athlete and weigh almost 300lbs?? Oh, that's right you must not have a dietitian. What's that? You've worked with a dietitian in the past, but you still weigh almost three bills. And he claims you work very hard at it, but you'll always be "the biggest pitcher out there". Wait until you see #2 on this list, you'll see that C.C. won't always be the biggest. Hey C.C., while your dietitian is stealing your money, let's just go ahead and put you on the banned list for the lifetime beer incentive. I'd hate for all of your "hard work" to go to waste.

#3 Jared Lorenzen, NY Giants 3rd string QB, 6'4'' 285lbs

I know, I know. There are several NFL players that weigh over 300lbs. They're called LINEMEN! "J-Load" is from Kentucky, so that's already one strike against him. He probably already has some kind of lifetime whiskey deal in place. When you have more than one obese nickname, the line has to be drawn: no lifetime beer incentive for you Pillsbury Throwboy, Hefty Lefty, Lord of the Ring-Dings, Round Mound of Touchdown, or whatever your name is.

#2 Rich Garces, Nashua Pride (Can-Am League) RHP, 6'0'' 250lbs

"El Guapo" (the handsome one) managed to, by some miracle, play parts of 10 seasons in Major League Baseball. He was released by the Colorado Rockies in 2003 because it was discovered that it was physically impossible for him to maneuver his throwing arm around his massive right man-boob. Once again, his weight is significantly more than listed, but we'll just look the other way for this legendary pitcher. Garces is currently attempting a comeback by playing baseball in the middle of New Hampshire. In order to assist his comeback, I feel that its only fair that El Guapo be placed on the banned list for any lifetime beer incentives.....ever.

#1 John Daly,Part-Time "Pro" Golfer/Full-Time Booze Hound, 5'11'' 283lbs

For starters, let's address the picture to the left. Daly has recently been spending time shirtless and shoeless playing some golf in Branson, MO. From the looks of Big John's fleshy body, he's been riding not walking the 18 holes.

Let's hit some of Big John's notable stats:

-Attended Betty Ford Clinic 3 times

-Claimed to have lost $50-$60M gambling in 15 years

-Divorced twice, and is in the middle of his 3rd rocky marriage

-Swing coach quit in 2008 while claiming Daly #1 goal was to "get drunk"

Big John needs some serious help, and we're here to give it to him. John Daly, you have been selected as the #1 athlete to make sure that no lifetime supply of beer incentives are offered to! You've had a roller coaster career, and enough is enough. Now get that fat body of yours out on the course and play some shirtless golf.....only this time walk the 18!

Mother Nature Pulls a Dirty Trick

Balls Deep was supposed to be taking the field at 6:30pm last night in their season opener vs. Haile Medical, but somebody got a little selfish yesterday afternoon. Yeah, that's right Mother Nature, I'm talking about you. All you had to do was wait until about 8pm to do your thing, but you wanted to show off for the whole town in broad daylight. You couldn't restrain yourself for just a few more hours? Give me a break! I haven't seen such a selfish display of thunderstorms in a long time. I caught up with Mother Nature to get her side of things in an exclusive interview and was intrigued by her view on things.

BPW: What exactly were you thinking yesterday? I mean were you actually thinking or were you just pretty much doing whatever you want all day?

MN: First off, I'd like to apologize. I didn't realize the kind of reaction this would get from the Balls Deep team members and all of their loyal fans. To answer your question, I was kind of just reacting to a news story I heard last night. I heard WCJB's Bill Quinlan talking about how we needed the rain. Between you and me, I've always had a thing for him, so I just figured I'd get his attention with a torrential downpour.

BPW: Well, you're an idiot then, because you pretty much ruined my Tuesday night along with all of my teammates. Your love for Bill Quinlan has cost you my friendship along with most of the rest of Gainesville. You used to be looked up to in Gainesville, and pretty much the whole state of Florida, now you jeopardized that all for some weatherman.

MN: I don't know what to say. To be honest, I always had just done whatever I wanted and then people just kind of deal with it. It was a cool thing. Normally I just go make it rain and then sit back and watch all these people talk about me and what I did all day. I guess my ego just got out of control. I realize now that this isn't the way to do things, especially with the softball season starting now. You have to admit though, Bill is kind of handsome.

BPW: Actually, I don't find Bill Quinlan attractive whatsoever. I think we need to work out a plan for your upcoming rain schedule. Would you be open to a little flexibility with your thunderstorm schedule?

MN: I'm open to suggestions, but to be honest, I've been set in my ways for quite some time now.

BPW: I think what I'd like to see happen is for you to just hold off on the afternoon thunderstorms on Tuesdays until after 10pm. I know people won't be able to see your magic in the daylight hours, but that would work out great for my softball season.

MN: I think that's fair. I need to start mixing it up a little anyway. I get tired of just the afternoon showers anyway. Quinlan just puts so much pressure on me to produce these afternoon showers everyday in the summer months. Its almost like he doesn't look at anything and just says "it'll be a high of 90 with a 30% chance of some rain in the afternoon". Now its hurricane season, and let's face it, these hurricanes haven't really helped my image the past few years.

BPW: Well, I think we have an agreement. I want to thank you for your time. I know it gets busy for you during hurricane season, and you obviously have some issues to figure out between you and Bill. Just try to hold off on those Tuesday storms until later at night.

MN: Thanks for your understanding and friendship through the years. I love Bill so much, and I'm just trying to balance my personal life with work and it gets difficult sometimes. I value your opinion and want to do anything to help out the Balls Deep squad this season.

There you have it. It seems as though Mother Nature will be on Balls Deep's side for the rest of the season. An obvious misunderstanding caused an unfortunate rainout this week, but hopefully that will be the last one of the season. As for Bill Quinlan, it seems as though he may have his first stalker.