The Beatings Will Continue

In what has become somewhat of a routine, the Balls Deep softball squad has continued their Gainesville City League dominance with consecutive victories over The Master Batters and The Bangers. Balls Deep's record now stands at 6-0, along with 3 opponents peeing their pants out of fear and one opponent crying repeatedly for his mommy. "With my leadership, this team has to be the finest group of people I've coached", said starting pitcher Coach Heater. "Some said my lungs wouldn't hold up to the rigors of the city league, but I'm living proof that you can still smoke a carton of cigs and be successful in this league", he said.

In Week 5 action, the leading story was LF Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris' violation of team rules. While his team was out trying to move towards their first City League championship, Cherry Bomb decided he'd rather play kissy face with some girl in Amelia Island, FL. Commenting from a heart shaped bed somewhere in the 904 area code, Cherry Bomb simply said, "They'll get over it........sometimes I need some time off with the ladies". Coach Heater took swift action by suspending Cherry Bomb from playing in the game he was already missing. His suspension ran through 7:44pm the following Tuesday. This made Cherry Bomb available to be added back to the active roster in time for the 7:45pm game vs. The Bangers.

Battling what was rumored to be a serious back injury, Coach Heater pitched Balls Deep to a 12-8 victory over The Master Batters. Among many defensive gems, the headlining moment was when Craig, the Balls Deep RF, gave chase after a fly ball and managed to catch it. "I've been working all season on running past everything hit my way, but noticed that as a direct result of my actions, opposing teams were scoring several more runs than they should be", said Craig. He continued by saying, "I always wondered what this leather thing was used for on my left hand, but I found it quite useful when attempting to catch fly balls hit my way in the past few games". SS Brad Weitekamp was visibly upset that his streak of games without a HR had risen to 4 games, a career high. When asked if he was happy his team won, Weitekamp said, "Sure, that's great, but these fans pay to see me hit HR's not doubles. I just need to put on a better show for them."

In Week 6 action Balls Deep took on The Bangers in what looked to be a matchup between two City League titans. Unfortunately, for The Bangers, they forgot to bring any talent to Westside Park. Balls Deep toyed with them for a few innings, with the score tied 3-3 after 3 innings. It was all Balls Deep after that, cruising to a 15-3 blowout win. Suzi, filling in at catcher for the night, recorded her first career hit with Balls Deep, ending an 0-43 start to her slow-pitch softball career. Suzi said, "I feel like I've had some tough breaks at the plate. Hopefully this will be the start of something big, but I wouldn't put my money on it". Cherry Bomb was back in veteran form as he turned in a muti-hit game. His selfish actions from the previous week, however, still hadn't left the minds of some teammates, specifically CF Casey Hahn. Hahn said, "If he's wants to run off with some girl to make out, that's fine, but he needs to do it in our dugout on gamedays. That way we can all see it and take notes if we feel it's necessary". Hahn's feelings were shared by several teammates who voted Cherry Bomb "Least Favorite Teammate of Week 6".

In other news, the league commissioner has announced that the All-Star Game has been cancelled. After much deliberation and vote tallying, the league office had confirmed what the rest of the league had already suspected. The entire All-Star Game roster would have been made up the entire Balls Deep roster. Online voting has been halted and ideas are being sought for events that may be substituted for the All-Star Game.

Events suggested thus far include:

-Rematch in the Casey Hahn vs. Armadillo footrace from Week 2

-Dizzy Bat Race featuring entire Balls Deep squad vs. Tim Tebow

-Wrestling match pitting Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris vs. an authentic wild Florida Boar

It must be noted that if the Hahn-Armadillo race is selected, it will have to be a different armadillo. The last armadillo, suffered a career-ending death when it was hit by a passing car.