Grass Watch '08

Well, as you may recall a couple of weeks ago, my apartment complex implemented a strict no alcohol, g-string, and thong policy at the community pool. I am happy to report that the alcohol ban has been lifted, effectively ending prohibition in Smagnolia Splace (community name has been changed for legal purposes). The g-string/thong ban is still in place, although I did spot an equally offensive male speedo over the past weekend. I am currently seeing what can be done to ban speedos for the time being.

Moving on to more pressing news in the Smagnolia Splace community. It has come to my attention that the once perfectly manicured lawns, have taken on a jungle-like appearance over the past three weeks. I do recall a lawn mower making appearance here sometime in mid-May, but apparently management has chosen to move towards more of an Amazon themed community since then.

As of 8:45 p.m. the grass in front of my apartment stands at nearly 13 inches, a new Smagnolia Splace record. A rigorous irrigation schedule has fostered aggressive growth of all living things within the community, adding to the Amazon theme. It remains to be seen how this lawn care strategy will affect leasing numbers, as many current residents have been overheard complaining of losing children, pets, and various economy-sized vehicles in the jungle-like lawns.

I get it. Amazon is fresh, new and hasn't been tried before. What I'm worried about is the safety of the residents here in Smagnolia Splace. This new Amazon theme will eventually cause battling native tribes to evolve within the community.......you know poison blowdarts, man-made arrows, and booby traps. That's not something Smagnolia Splace management has the staff to handle.

I am determined to see that this Amazon movement is stopped immediately. Hopefully, management has to foresight to realize what will happen if this grass doesn't get cut soon. If this lasts into July, the consequences could be grave if tribal members get their hands on some fireworks.

Editor's Note: Grass has been cut, but on a related note, a part-time landscape maintenence job is now available at Smagnolia Splace.....and I'm being serious.