New League, Same Results for Balls Deep

A defection to the Gainesville City League didn't seem to cool the bats of the Balls Deep softball squad last evening as they took home a 17-3 victory over Sum Total in the summer league opener. The weather looked like it may not cooperate, but due to a blockbuster deal forged with Mother Nature last week, the clouds seemed to magically disappear moments before first pitch. Balls Deep fans must have been anticipating rain and the sparse crowd, consisting of 3 people and one dog, showed evidence of this wrong assumption.

Balls Deep got on the board early and often as the Sum Total pitcher's "walk the world" strategy didn't seem to be paying dividends in the top of the 1st inning. Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris got things going with an inside-the-park grand slam in the inning, effectively living up to his new nickname. "I was really excited about using this new nickname", said Charris. "With a new league, you really want to start the intimidation factor early in the season, and it looks like 'Cherry Bomb' is going to take this league by storm. I have a pretty sweet logo and hope to start selling merchandise at games starting next week". It seems as though Cherry Bomb has put last season's steroid scandal, trade rumors, and birth certificate issues behind him and is focused towards making an impact in the rather stagnant slow-pitch softball merchandise industry.

All-everything shortstop Brad Weitekamp later would hit his own inside-the-park grand slam, but in the 3rd inning he set a record that has been around a long time. Weitekamp managed to take 9 consecutive pitches without swinging the bat (a new City League record), leading to 3 walks in his first 3 at-bats. "This is a record I've been eying for a long time now. I just needed to find a pitcher crappy enough to do it against", said Weitekamp. Somehow, he was able to lay off pitches that ranged from 3-6 feet short of home plate to set this highly sought after record.

Defense was a little shaky as every infielder recorded one error. "I feel like I've let down my family and team with my fielding error", said third baseman Casey Hahn. "Not to make excuses, but I had visions of making diving catches in the outfield and Coach Heater sticks me at 3rd base. Bush league move if you ask me", groaned Hahn. 2nd basewoman Pam Snook had good reason for her fielding error as she was busy dodging inappropriate advances from the 2nd base umpire for a good portion of the game. Snook commented, "It's hard enough to field the ball without having to dish out fake phone numbers to the umpire at the same time". Cherry Bomb Charris continued his defensive woes by failing to dive for what could have been a highlight reel catch, then missing the cut-off man in the same sequence. Looks like Cherry Bomb's assignment in the Spring Defensive Instructional League didn't teach him too much, but he does have a pretty sweet nickname, so all was forgiven.

Coach Heater seemed to be pleased with his squad's performance as he enjoyed his traditional post-game cigarette in the parking lot. "When I rolled up to the field, I was a little worried when I saw an opposing team member wearing matching baseball pants and socks", said Coach Heater. "I peed my pants a little, but I really had to go anyway, so I'm not sure if I peed out of fear or just a full bladder", Heater embarrassingly admitted. "No, I peed mine a little too, so it was probably fear", piped in Brad Weitekamp. Heater said he was impressed with his squad's ability to adjust to a new league so quickly. Other than Cherry Bomb's brief hissy fit about the fences being too long, the transition was rather smooth for Balls Deep. Coach Heater's squad will take a 6 game winning streak, dating back to last season, into next week's contest. In order to boost attendance for next week's contest, speedster Casey Hahn will be challenging an armadillo to a 40-yard dash after the 5th inning.