It's Gut Check Time

So I came across an interesting news story today. For those of you who don't know, Austria and Switzerland are currently co-hosting the Euro 2008 soccer championship. Apparently, Austria is pretty bad at soccer right now (92nd in the world bad), so they obviously need a little incentive to pull off any kind of miracle victory.

Enter Vienna brewery Ottakringer Brauerei AG.

They have apparently offered a lifetime supply of beer to any Austrian who scores a goal in their remaining games in the tournament. This is all fine and dandy for soccer players. They run around a lot and have the metabolism of a hummingbird, but what if this idea hits American sports? I hope there are some restrictions put on the players they would make this offer to, so with that in mind, I have created a list of the top 5 players who should not be given a lifetime beer supply incentive.

Without further delay, here's the list of the "Top 5 Athlete's You Would Not Want to Give a Lifetime Beer Supply Incentive To"

#5 Kyle Orton - Chicago Bears QB, 6'4'' 215lbs

Glancing at his roster height and weight, it seems pretty reasonable. When you take into account that the Chicago Bears media guide designer was probably drinking Old Style all day when he put Orton's weight at 215lbs, then you can begin to see that its probably about 30lbs more than that. His neckbeard alone recently checked in at a healthy 54lbs. Orton has also failed to hide his love for the bottle in the past, so the last thing he needs is a lifetime supply of beer. Although, with his love of alcohol, maybe an offer like this would turn him into the QB the Bears really need. Kyle, its your health I'm worried about though, so you sir have been disqualified for any free beer incentives. You'll probably be drunk on the sidelines this year anyway. Just cover your breath with that clipboard you're holding.

#4 C.C. Sabathia, Cleveland Indians LHP, 6'7'' 290lbs

Come on C.C., you're younger than me! How can you possibly be an athlete and weigh almost 300lbs?? Oh, that's right you must not have a dietitian. What's that? You've worked with a dietitian in the past, but you still weigh almost three bills. And he claims you work very hard at it, but you'll always be "the biggest pitcher out there". Wait until you see #2 on this list, you'll see that C.C. won't always be the biggest. Hey C.C., while your dietitian is stealing your money, let's just go ahead and put you on the banned list for the lifetime beer incentive. I'd hate for all of your "hard work" to go to waste.

#3 Jared Lorenzen, NY Giants 3rd string QB, 6'4'' 285lbs

I know, I know. There are several NFL players that weigh over 300lbs. They're called LINEMEN! "J-Load" is from Kentucky, so that's already one strike against him. He probably already has some kind of lifetime whiskey deal in place. When you have more than one obese nickname, the line has to be drawn: no lifetime beer incentive for you Pillsbury Throwboy, Hefty Lefty, Lord of the Ring-Dings, Round Mound of Touchdown, or whatever your name is.

#2 Rich Garces, Nashua Pride (Can-Am League) RHP, 6'0'' 250lbs

"El Guapo" (the handsome one) managed to, by some miracle, play parts of 10 seasons in Major League Baseball. He was released by the Colorado Rockies in 2003 because it was discovered that it was physically impossible for him to maneuver his throwing arm around his massive right man-boob. Once again, his weight is significantly more than listed, but we'll just look the other way for this legendary pitcher. Garces is currently attempting a comeback by playing baseball in the middle of New Hampshire. In order to assist his comeback, I feel that its only fair that El Guapo be placed on the banned list for any lifetime beer incentives.....ever.

#1 John Daly,Part-Time "Pro" Golfer/Full-Time Booze Hound, 5'11'' 283lbs

For starters, let's address the picture to the left. Daly has recently been spending time shirtless and shoeless playing some golf in Branson, MO. From the looks of Big John's fleshy body, he's been riding not walking the 18 holes.

Let's hit some of Big John's notable stats:

-Attended Betty Ford Clinic 3 times

-Claimed to have lost $50-$60M gambling in 15 years

-Divorced twice, and is in the middle of his 3rd rocky marriage

-Swing coach quit in 2008 while claiming Daly #1 goal was to "get drunk"

Big John needs some serious help, and we're here to give it to him. John Daly, you have been selected as the #1 athlete to make sure that no lifetime supply of beer incentives are offered to! You've had a roller coaster career, and enough is enough. Now get that fat body of yours out on the course and play some shirtless golf.....only this time walk the 18!