One Million Foreclosures Available! This calls for some kind of special event, and not just any event. I'm sure the 1/2 Million Foreclosure Party was a grand event so I think this needs to be extra special, but yet give back to those suffering through the foreclosure process.
When an average man like Evander Holyfield can't even pay his mortgage, something needs to be done. The guy has 9 children, with 6 different women, so just imagine if every foreclosure
situation is like this.....that's 9 million children and 6 million different mothers going through the same thing! Americans need to act fast to come up with something to help people in need like Evander. That's why I give you the "Clash of Celebrity Idiots". Each year the CCI staff will pick 2 lucky celebrity foreclosure idiots to square off in a boxing match to raise money for all the other celebrity foreclosure idiots out there to save their multi-million dollar mansions. The beauty of this is there are so many celebrity foreclosure idiots out there to pick from, it was always be sure to be a star-studded event. The inaugural event is no exception, so lets get down to the selections for the 2008 Clash of Celebrity Idiots.First off, we'll need an experienced Master of Ceremonies for such a grand event. Ed McMahon served as Johnny Carson's sidekick for 30 years, and now its time for him to step into the spotlight. With a $6M house on the chopping block, he doesn't have much of a choice, so heeeeeeeeeeere's Eddy! Ed will keep things light, an important trait with so many stressed out celebrities in attendance. McMahon's familiar chuckle after multiple bad jokes will help the celebrities deal with their impending doom.
All major sporting events need a singer to belt out a memorable National Anthem. CCI has selected just the right voice for the occasion...Aretha Franklin! Now, there have been rumors that this has been resolved, but this is her 2nd run-in with tax property issues, so the CCI staff decided to make an exception for such a display of celebrity stupidity.
Now, on to the main event. We already know Evander will be mixing it up inside the ring, but who will he face? None other than the man asking for a fight. Jose Canseco has been looking for a fight to raise money for a couple months now after losing his Encino, CA home, so my brain can't take complete credit for this event. My brain just had to come up with the final pieces.
Let's look at the tale of the tape:
Foreclosure Property Value
Canseco - $2.5M
Holyfield - $10.0M Advantage: Holyfield
World Championships
Canseco - 2 (1989, 2000)
Holyfield - 2 (cruiserweight, heavyweight) Advantage: Push
Preferred Training Method
Canseco - Various Pharmaceutical Products
Holyfield - Normal Training Advantage: Canseco
Looks like this should be one heck of a fight. With a matchup like this, a large crowd is bound to be on hand, so there's one last position the CCI staff needs to fill: janitor. This needs to be someone who's really hit rock bottom. How's this for a celebrity idiot resume: choked his own coach, ran his
own 70-foot yacht aground, choked a girl on said yacht, had said yacht seized by federal marshalls, and turned down a $21M NBA contract because he had to feed his family. Yep, that's right, Latrell Sprewell is eligible because now he's getting foreclosed on his $405,000 property in Milwaukee. Hindsight is 20-20 Spree, and maybe you should have taken that $7M a year to help "feed your family".For a facility there's only one natural choice. An athlete that we all love to hate. An athlete that already has quite the fighting facility according to federal agents. The site of the proposed 2008 Clash of Celebrity Idiots would be Michael Vick's Surry, VA property. It had a reputation for some prize-fighting already, so with a little modification, this could be a suitable and fitting property to hold an event such as this. If only Vick could be a free man to see such a grand event on his property. I guess we can't all get what we want.
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