Macaroni Grill's Ravioli Gets Toasted

They came in with some top-notch uniforms and a big-name sponsor, but walked out with their tails in between their legs. Like a bunch of scared puppies, Macaroni Grill's "Mac Shack" soiled themselves to an 21-4 loss at the hands of the mighty Balls Deep squad. "What the hell just happened", said a stunned Mac Shack player. "The last I remember I got out of my car to play some ball, and now I've been told we just got mercy-ruled", said the shaken up player, who wished to remain anonymous.

Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris continued his torrid hitting with 2 more homeruns against the helpless Mac Shack. Things got a little chippy between the two teams as Cherry Bomb hit his 2nd homerun and taunted "you got Cherry Bombed, you got Cherry Bombed", as he rounded the bases. Charris simply shrugged off the incident saying, "hey, when you're good, you're good, and I'm AWESOME"! Shortstop Brad Weitekamp also extended his homerun streak to 2 games, with his shot into the centerfield shrubs during the 2nd inning. Confusion set in when Balls Deep was told they reached their homerun limit and any more homeruns would result in outs. "What am I supposed to do now?", said outfielder Casey Hahn. "I'm not going to pick up any chicks out here hitting doubles", a visibly upset Hahn continued. Once Hahn was reminded that he was already in a committed relationship, and that she was in attendance, he seemed to calm down markedly.

In addition to an offensive explosion, Balls Deep turned in some impressive defensive efforts on the day. Casey Hahn cut down what would have been an inside-the-park homerun by teaming up with Brad Weitekamp for what could only be described as the most perfect slow-pitch softball relay combination in history. Coach Heater managed to hang on to the blazing relay throw, make the tag at homeplate, and hold on to his cigarette. "That's what I call the trifecta", said a proud Coach Heater. Meanwhile, Cherry Bomb seemed puzzled out in leftfield by the number of throws needed to get the ball to Coach Heater at homeplate. Hahn politely explained to him, that's what happens when you hit the cutoff man. An enlightened Cherry Bomb proclaimed, "from this day forward, I pledge to hit all cut-off men in my throws back to the infield". To cap off the evening of defensive gems, Brad Weitekamp set a world record by catching 3 flyballs in one inning. "Last week, I set the record for most consecutive pitches taken, and now this. It's just a real emotional day for me", said Weitekamp as tears of joy streamed down his face.

In other news, the highly anticipated 40-yard race between Casey Hahn and an armadillo took place after the 5th inning. The armadillo got out to an early lead as Hahn stumbled at the start. Unfortunately, due to the genetic vision problems common in their species, the armadillo ran off track onto nearby 16th Ave and was quickly struck by a car. The armadillo was officially pronounced dead at 9:07pm at Shands Hospital. Hahn commented, "Sure the victory is a little bittersweet, but that armadillo lived a good life. It's just tragic it had to end like this". Memorial and burial services for the armadillo have not been announced.


In their next game, Balls Deep will take on Old School at 10pm next Tuesday. It remains to be seen if this will be past Cherry Bomb's bedtime.

New League, Same Results for Balls Deep

A defection to the Gainesville City League didn't seem to cool the bats of the Balls Deep softball squad last evening as they took home a 17-3 victory over Sum Total in the summer league opener. The weather looked like it may not cooperate, but due to a blockbuster deal forged with Mother Nature last week, the clouds seemed to magically disappear moments before first pitch. Balls Deep fans must have been anticipating rain and the sparse crowd, consisting of 3 people and one dog, showed evidence of this wrong assumption.

Balls Deep got on the board early and often as the Sum Total pitcher's "walk the world" strategy didn't seem to be paying dividends in the top of the 1st inning. Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris got things going with an inside-the-park grand slam in the inning, effectively living up to his new nickname. "I was really excited about using this new nickname", said Charris. "With a new league, you really want to start the intimidation factor early in the season, and it looks like 'Cherry Bomb' is going to take this league by storm. I have a pretty sweet logo and hope to start selling merchandise at games starting next week". It seems as though Cherry Bomb has put last season's steroid scandal, trade rumors, and birth certificate issues behind him and is focused towards making an impact in the rather stagnant slow-pitch softball merchandise industry.

All-everything shortstop Brad Weitekamp later would hit his own inside-the-park grand slam, but in the 3rd inning he set a record that has been around a long time. Weitekamp managed to take 9 consecutive pitches without swinging the bat (a new City League record), leading to 3 walks in his first 3 at-bats. "This is a record I've been eying for a long time now. I just needed to find a pitcher crappy enough to do it against", said Weitekamp. Somehow, he was able to lay off pitches that ranged from 3-6 feet short of home plate to set this highly sought after record.

Defense was a little shaky as every infielder recorded one error. "I feel like I've let down my family and team with my fielding error", said third baseman Casey Hahn. "Not to make excuses, but I had visions of making diving catches in the outfield and Coach Heater sticks me at 3rd base. Bush league move if you ask me", groaned Hahn. 2nd basewoman Pam Snook had good reason for her fielding error as she was busy dodging inappropriate advances from the 2nd base umpire for a good portion of the game. Snook commented, "It's hard enough to field the ball without having to dish out fake phone numbers to the umpire at the same time". Cherry Bomb Charris continued his defensive woes by failing to dive for what could have been a highlight reel catch, then missing the cut-off man in the same sequence. Looks like Cherry Bomb's assignment in the Spring Defensive Instructional League didn't teach him too much, but he does have a pretty sweet nickname, so all was forgiven.

Coach Heater seemed to be pleased with his squad's performance as he enjoyed his traditional post-game cigarette in the parking lot. "When I rolled up to the field, I was a little worried when I saw an opposing team member wearing matching baseball pants and socks", said Coach Heater. "I peed my pants a little, but I really had to go anyway, so I'm not sure if I peed out of fear or just a full bladder", Heater embarrassingly admitted. "No, I peed mine a little too, so it was probably fear", piped in Brad Weitekamp. Heater said he was impressed with his squad's ability to adjust to a new league so quickly. Other than Cherry Bomb's brief hissy fit about the fences being too long, the transition was rather smooth for Balls Deep. Coach Heater's squad will take a 6 game winning streak, dating back to last season, into next week's contest. In order to boost attendance for next week's contest, speedster Casey Hahn will be challenging an armadillo to a 40-yard dash after the 5th inning.

Why You Should Hate the Yankees (More Than You Already Do)

So interleague play is currently underway again in Major League Baseball. The Yankees traveled to Houston to take on the Astros in a 3-game series over the weekend. Interleague games always follow the rules of the home team, so if the American League team visits a National League team, the AL pitcher must hit in the batting lineup. Seems fair right? Well, not to Hank Steinbrenner. His ace pitcher, Chien-Ming Wang injured his foot running the bases and Hank thought he'd take a moment to put his two-cents in on the MLB Rule Book.

Here's what Hank had to say:

"My only message is simple. The National League needs to join the 21st century," Steinbrenner said in Tampa, Fla. "They need to grow up and join the 21st century."

Am I [mad] about it? Yes," Steinbrenner added. "I've got my pitchers running the bases, and one of them gets hurt. He's going to be out. I don't like that, and it's about time they address it. That was a rule from the 1800s"

Well Hank, you're an idiot. There's about a hundred rules from the 1800's that seem to work just fine for baseball. The designated hitter is an excuse for a bunch of non-athletes who are good at one thing to hang on in Major League Baseball. Just because you're spending $209M for your team to hover around 3rd place in the division, doesn't give you the right to be a crybaby like your daddy. Here's a little tip: SHOW YOUR PITCHERS HOW TO RUN THE FREAKIN' BASES! These are grown men, not newborn calves that can't stand up on their own two feet. I bet you could even teach an infant calf how to run the bases in a few training sessions, so that's really not even an excuse. Look at this little guy to the right. He looks like he could round the bases with a little practice.

Then to fuel my hatred for the Yankees even more, Yankee pitcher Mike Mussina chose to jump on the complaint train with these words:

"We don't hit, we don't run the bases," Mussina said. "You get four or five at-bats a year at most, and if you happen to get on base once or twice, you never know. We run in straight lines most of the time. Turning corners, you just don't do that."


Is this some kind of joke? A professional athlete talking about the hazard of "turning corners"?? You're right Mussina, you guys only get paid a few million dollars. Turning corners....that's just crazy talk. I wonder if the Yankees have some kind of special clubhouse setup for the pitchers if this is the case. Maybe they have personal "turn assistants" that point all pitchers towards their desired destination making sure they can reach destinations by moving completely in predetermined straight lines. When a pitcher needs to make a turn, they can then alert "turn assistants" to point their helpless bodies in a new, more-efficient straight line so as not to put unneeded stress on their joints.


You Yankees make me sick!

Grass Watch '08

Well, as you may recall a couple of weeks ago, my apartment complex implemented a strict no alcohol, g-string, and thong policy at the community pool. I am happy to report that the alcohol ban has been lifted, effectively ending prohibition in Smagnolia Splace (community name has been changed for legal purposes). The g-string/thong ban is still in place, although I did spot an equally offensive male speedo over the past weekend. I am currently seeing what can be done to ban speedos for the time being.

Moving on to more pressing news in the Smagnolia Splace community. It has come to my attention that the once perfectly manicured lawns, have taken on a jungle-like appearance over the past three weeks. I do recall a lawn mower making appearance here sometime in mid-May, but apparently management has chosen to move towards more of an Amazon themed community since then.

As of 8:45 p.m. the grass in front of my apartment stands at nearly 13 inches, a new Smagnolia Splace record. A rigorous irrigation schedule has fostered aggressive growth of all living things within the community, adding to the Amazon theme. It remains to be seen how this lawn care strategy will affect leasing numbers, as many current residents have been overheard complaining of losing children, pets, and various economy-sized vehicles in the jungle-like lawns.

I get it. Amazon is fresh, new and hasn't been tried before. What I'm worried about is the safety of the residents here in Smagnolia Splace. This new Amazon theme will eventually cause battling native tribes to evolve within the community.......you know poison blowdarts, man-made arrows, and booby traps. That's not something Smagnolia Splace management has the staff to handle.

I am determined to see that this Amazon movement is stopped immediately. Hopefully, management has to foresight to realize what will happen if this grass doesn't get cut soon. If this lasts into July, the consequences could be grave if tribal members get their hands on some fireworks.

Editor's Note: Grass has been cut, but on a related note, a part-time landscape maintenence job is now available at Smagnolia Splace.....and I'm being serious.

It's Gut Check Time

So I came across an interesting news story today. For those of you who don't know, Austria and Switzerland are currently co-hosting the Euro 2008 soccer championship. Apparently, Austria is pretty bad at soccer right now (92nd in the world bad), so they obviously need a little incentive to pull off any kind of miracle victory.

Enter Vienna brewery Ottakringer Brauerei AG.

They have apparently offered a lifetime supply of beer to any Austrian who scores a goal in their remaining games in the tournament. This is all fine and dandy for soccer players. They run around a lot and have the metabolism of a hummingbird, but what if this idea hits American sports? I hope there are some restrictions put on the players they would make this offer to, so with that in mind, I have created a list of the top 5 players who should not be given a lifetime beer supply incentive.

Without further delay, here's the list of the "Top 5 Athlete's You Would Not Want to Give a Lifetime Beer Supply Incentive To"

#5 Kyle Orton - Chicago Bears QB, 6'4'' 215lbs

Glancing at his roster height and weight, it seems pretty reasonable. When you take into account that the Chicago Bears media guide designer was probably drinking Old Style all day when he put Orton's weight at 215lbs, then you can begin to see that its probably about 30lbs more than that. His neckbeard alone recently checked in at a healthy 54lbs. Orton has also failed to hide his love for the bottle in the past, so the last thing he needs is a lifetime supply of beer. Although, with his love of alcohol, maybe an offer like this would turn him into the QB the Bears really need. Kyle, its your health I'm worried about though, so you sir have been disqualified for any free beer incentives. You'll probably be drunk on the sidelines this year anyway. Just cover your breath with that clipboard you're holding.

#4 C.C. Sabathia, Cleveland Indians LHP, 6'7'' 290lbs

Come on C.C., you're younger than me! How can you possibly be an athlete and weigh almost 300lbs?? Oh, that's right you must not have a dietitian. What's that? You've worked with a dietitian in the past, but you still weigh almost three bills. And he claims you work very hard at it, but you'll always be "the biggest pitcher out there". Wait until you see #2 on this list, you'll see that C.C. won't always be the biggest. Hey C.C., while your dietitian is stealing your money, let's just go ahead and put you on the banned list for the lifetime beer incentive. I'd hate for all of your "hard work" to go to waste.

#3 Jared Lorenzen, NY Giants 3rd string QB, 6'4'' 285lbs

I know, I know. There are several NFL players that weigh over 300lbs. They're called LINEMEN! "J-Load" is from Kentucky, so that's already one strike against him. He probably already has some kind of lifetime whiskey deal in place. When you have more than one obese nickname, the line has to be drawn: no lifetime beer incentive for you Pillsbury Throwboy, Hefty Lefty, Lord of the Ring-Dings, Round Mound of Touchdown, or whatever your name is.

#2 Rich Garces, Nashua Pride (Can-Am League) RHP, 6'0'' 250lbs

"El Guapo" (the handsome one) managed to, by some miracle, play parts of 10 seasons in Major League Baseball. He was released by the Colorado Rockies in 2003 because it was discovered that it was physically impossible for him to maneuver his throwing arm around his massive right man-boob. Once again, his weight is significantly more than listed, but we'll just look the other way for this legendary pitcher. Garces is currently attempting a comeback by playing baseball in the middle of New Hampshire. In order to assist his comeback, I feel that its only fair that El Guapo be placed on the banned list for any lifetime beer incentives.....ever.

#1 John Daly,Part-Time "Pro" Golfer/Full-Time Booze Hound, 5'11'' 283lbs

For starters, let's address the picture to the left. Daly has recently been spending time shirtless and shoeless playing some golf in Branson, MO. From the looks of Big John's fleshy body, he's been riding not walking the 18 holes.

Let's hit some of Big John's notable stats:

-Attended Betty Ford Clinic 3 times

-Claimed to have lost $50-$60M gambling in 15 years

-Divorced twice, and is in the middle of his 3rd rocky marriage

-Swing coach quit in 2008 while claiming Daly #1 goal was to "get drunk"

Big John needs some serious help, and we're here to give it to him. John Daly, you have been selected as the #1 athlete to make sure that no lifetime supply of beer incentives are offered to! You've had a roller coaster career, and enough is enough. Now get that fat body of yours out on the course and play some shirtless golf.....only this time walk the 18!

Mother Nature Pulls a Dirty Trick

Balls Deep was supposed to be taking the field at 6:30pm last night in their season opener vs. Haile Medical, but somebody got a little selfish yesterday afternoon. Yeah, that's right Mother Nature, I'm talking about you. All you had to do was wait until about 8pm to do your thing, but you wanted to show off for the whole town in broad daylight. You couldn't restrain yourself for just a few more hours? Give me a break! I haven't seen such a selfish display of thunderstorms in a long time. I caught up with Mother Nature to get her side of things in an exclusive interview and was intrigued by her view on things.

BPW: What exactly were you thinking yesterday? I mean were you actually thinking or were you just pretty much doing whatever you want all day?

MN: First off, I'd like to apologize. I didn't realize the kind of reaction this would get from the Balls Deep team members and all of their loyal fans. To answer your question, I was kind of just reacting to a news story I heard last night. I heard WCJB's Bill Quinlan talking about how we needed the rain. Between you and me, I've always had a thing for him, so I just figured I'd get his attention with a torrential downpour.

BPW: Well, you're an idiot then, because you pretty much ruined my Tuesday night along with all of my teammates. Your love for Bill Quinlan has cost you my friendship along with most of the rest of Gainesville. You used to be looked up to in Gainesville, and pretty much the whole state of Florida, now you jeopardized that all for some weatherman.

MN: I don't know what to say. To be honest, I always had just done whatever I wanted and then people just kind of deal with it. It was a cool thing. Normally I just go make it rain and then sit back and watch all these people talk about me and what I did all day. I guess my ego just got out of control. I realize now that this isn't the way to do things, especially with the softball season starting now. You have to admit though, Bill is kind of handsome.

BPW: Actually, I don't find Bill Quinlan attractive whatsoever. I think we need to work out a plan for your upcoming rain schedule. Would you be open to a little flexibility with your thunderstorm schedule?

MN: I'm open to suggestions, but to be honest, I've been set in my ways for quite some time now.

BPW: I think what I'd like to see happen is for you to just hold off on the afternoon thunderstorms on Tuesdays until after 10pm. I know people won't be able to see your magic in the daylight hours, but that would work out great for my softball season.

MN: I think that's fair. I need to start mixing it up a little anyway. I get tired of just the afternoon showers anyway. Quinlan just puts so much pressure on me to produce these afternoon showers everyday in the summer months. Its almost like he doesn't look at anything and just says "it'll be a high of 90 with a 30% chance of some rain in the afternoon". Now its hurricane season, and let's face it, these hurricanes haven't really helped my image the past few years.

BPW: Well, I think we have an agreement. I want to thank you for your time. I know it gets busy for you during hurricane season, and you obviously have some issues to figure out between you and Bill. Just try to hold off on those Tuesday storms until later at night.

MN: Thanks for your understanding and friendship through the years. I love Bill so much, and I'm just trying to balance my personal life with work and it gets difficult sometimes. I value your opinion and want to do anything to help out the Balls Deep squad this season.

There you have it. It seems as though Mother Nature will be on Balls Deep's side for the rest of the season. An obvious misunderstanding caused an unfortunate rainout this week, but hopefully that will be the last one of the season. As for Bill Quinlan, it seems as though he may have his first stalker.

Foreclosure Madness!!!!

Congratulations America, you did it! With the will and determination Americans are notorious for, we've achieved a goal that some said couldn't be reached:
One Million Foreclosures Available! This calls for some kind of special event, and not just any event. I'm sure the 1/2 Million Foreclosure Party was a grand event so I think this needs to be extra special, but yet give back to those suffering through the foreclosure process.


When an average man like Evander Holyfield can't even pay his mortgage, something needs to be done. The guy has 9 children, with 6 different women, so just imagine if every foreclosure situation is like this.....that's 9 million children and 6 million different mothers going through the same thing! Americans need to act fast to come up with something to help people in need like Evander. That's why I give you the "Clash of Celebrity Idiots". Each year the CCI staff will pick 2 lucky celebrity foreclosure idiots to square off in a boxing match to raise money for all the other celebrity foreclosure idiots out there to save their multi-million dollar mansions. The beauty of this is there are so many celebrity foreclosure idiots out there to pick from, it was always be sure to be a star-studded event. The inaugural event is no exception, so lets get down to the selections for the 2008 Clash of Celebrity Idiots.


First off, we'll need an experienced Master of Ceremonies for such a grand event. Ed McMahon served as Johnny Carson's sidekick for 30 years, and now its time for him to step into the spotlight. With a $6M house on the chopping block, he doesn't have much of a choice, so heeeeeeeeeeere's Eddy! Ed will keep things light, an important trait with so many stressed out celebrities in attendance. McMahon's familiar chuckle after multiple bad jokes will help the celebrities deal with their impending doom.

All major sporting events need a singer to belt out a memorable National Anthem. CCI has selected just the right voice for the occasion...Aretha Franklin! Now, there have been rumors that this has been resolved, but this is her 2nd run-in with tax property issues, so the CCI staff decided to make an exception for such a display of celebrity stupidity.

Now, on to the main event. We already know Evander will be mixing it up inside the ring, but who will he face? None other than the man asking for a fight. Jose Canseco has been looking for a fight to raise money for a couple months now after losing his Encino, CA home, so my brain can't take complete credit for this event. My brain just had to come up with the final pieces.

Let's look at the tale of the tape:

Foreclosure Property Value

Canseco - $2.5M

Holyfield - $10.0M Advantage: Holyfield

World Championships

Canseco - 2 (1989, 2000)

Holyfield - 2 (cruiserweight, heavyweight) Advantage: Push

Preferred Training Method

Canseco - Various Pharmaceutical Products

Holyfield - Normal Training Advantage: Canseco

Looks like this should be one heck of a fight. With a matchup like this, a large crowd is bound to be on hand, so there's one last position the CCI staff needs to fill: janitor. This needs to be someone who's really hit rock bottom. How's this for a celebrity idiot resume: choked his own coach, ran his own 70-foot yacht aground, choked a girl on said yacht, had said yacht seized by federal marshalls, and turned down a $21M NBA contract because he had to feed his family. Yep, that's right, Latrell Sprewell is eligible because now he's getting foreclosed on his $405,000 property in Milwaukee. Hindsight is 20-20 Spree, and maybe you should have taken that $7M a year to help "feed your family".



For a facility there's only one natural choice. An athlete that we all love to hate. An athlete that already has quite the fighting facility according to federal agents. The site of the proposed 2008 Clash of Celebrity Idiots would be Michael Vick's Surry, VA property. It had a reputation for some prize-fighting already, so with a little modification, this could be a suitable and fitting property to hold an event such as this. If only Vick could be a free man to see such a grand event on his property. I guess we can't all get what we want.

Offseason Workouts Nearing Completion for Balls Deep Squad

The wait is almost over. The Balls Deep softball squad will take the field on June 10th, kicking off what is sure to be another season filled with record-breaking fan attendance. After their championship run last season, Diamond Sports Park representatives suggested Balls Deep move to the Gainesville city league to alleviate the traffic problems caused by fans swarming the softball complex hoping to catch a glimpse of their softball heroes each Tuesday night. Business owners in downtown Gainesville had also complained that Balls Deep softball games were causing their normal Tuesday crowds to disappear. Local restaurant owner Rick Wilhelm said he had considered shutting down Magical Fruits, an all-you-can-eat beans restaurant in downtown Gainesville. "We just couldn't compete with slow-pitch softball. Balls Deep literally had 90% of the Gainesville population trying to scalp tickets for their games", said Wilhelm. He continued on saying, "With their move into the city league, the crowds should pick up. We'll be carrying the games live in our bar area, so that should help business".

As for the team, they haven't let their spring league championship go to their heads. Outfielder Casey Hahn said, "If you think I'm satisfied after that season, you're kidding yourself. People would kill to be on this team, and you can't take that for granted". Hahn said he had taken a few weeks to go back to his roots in Illinois to get a jump-start on training. He spent most of May back at the Hahn family dirt farm, where his dad grows and sells piles of dirt throughout Northern Illinois. Hahn said 14 hour days of moving dirt with bare hands were the norm back home. "I feel like moving random piles of dirt with my hands really will give me great wrist strength and bat speed for this season", said Hahn. With high gas prices and his training in full-swing, Casey also told reporters he was planning to bear crawl back to Florida from Illinois to end his offseason training program.

Leftfielder Ric Charris has been in the local gym trying out an interesting offseason workout. Charris really felt like his body broke down towards the end of last season. Talks of a trade began swirling when Charris ended the season leading the league in throwing errors. After completing workouts at the University of Florida Sports Medicine Institute, it was determined Charris was suffering from severe dehydration for the better part of the past two years. Charris explained, "I had always been a fan of camels as a youngster, and kind of just figured people could store a bunch of water in their back too. I haven't had a sip of water since early 2006 based on this water storing theory I had". Needless to say, Charris spends the majority of his gym time at the water fountain and harassing a good majority of the female clientele. It remains to be seen if this type of training will pay off, but one thing is for sure: Ric Charris will be properly hydrated.

Starting shortstop Brad Weitekamp has been spending most of his days working with local slow-pitch softball scout, Evan Stone. Stone has become legendary for his training techniques that combine the philosophies of karate with traditional slow-pitch softball training drills. Stone said he has been impressed with Weitekamp's ability to master the "Sleeping Flamingo" drill over the past few weeks. This drill is where an individual will take batting practice blindfolded while standing on one leg. Weitekamp commented, "I thought the flamingo costume Evan made me wear was a little overkill, but this is why he gets paid the big bucks". Stone said, "If Brad isn't best pure hitter in the City League this year, I'll be shocked. Once he put that flamingo costume on, he put on quite a show last week".

Gametime for next week's opening game still has not been announced. There will be a short ceremony before the first pitch to present Balls Deep with their championship rings. The game is scheduled to be covered live by ESPN to a national TV audience, with a 3 hour tape-delay for our Hawaii and New Zealand viewers.