The Beatings Will Continue

In what has become somewhat of a routine, the Balls Deep softball squad has continued their Gainesville City League dominance with consecutive victories over The Master Batters and The Bangers. Balls Deep's record now stands at 6-0, along with 3 opponents peeing their pants out of fear and one opponent crying repeatedly for his mommy. "With my leadership, this team has to be the finest group of people I've coached", said starting pitcher Coach Heater. "Some said my lungs wouldn't hold up to the rigors of the city league, but I'm living proof that you can still smoke a carton of cigs and be successful in this league", he said.

In Week 5 action, the leading story was LF Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris' violation of team rules. While his team was out trying to move towards their first City League championship, Cherry Bomb decided he'd rather play kissy face with some girl in Amelia Island, FL. Commenting from a heart shaped bed somewhere in the 904 area code, Cherry Bomb simply said, "They'll get over it........sometimes I need some time off with the ladies". Coach Heater took swift action by suspending Cherry Bomb from playing in the game he was already missing. His suspension ran through 7:44pm the following Tuesday. This made Cherry Bomb available to be added back to the active roster in time for the 7:45pm game vs. The Bangers.

Battling what was rumored to be a serious back injury, Coach Heater pitched Balls Deep to a 12-8 victory over The Master Batters. Among many defensive gems, the headlining moment was when Craig, the Balls Deep RF, gave chase after a fly ball and managed to catch it. "I've been working all season on running past everything hit my way, but noticed that as a direct result of my actions, opposing teams were scoring several more runs than they should be", said Craig. He continued by saying, "I always wondered what this leather thing was used for on my left hand, but I found it quite useful when attempting to catch fly balls hit my way in the past few games". SS Brad Weitekamp was visibly upset that his streak of games without a HR had risen to 4 games, a career high. When asked if he was happy his team won, Weitekamp said, "Sure, that's great, but these fans pay to see me hit HR's not doubles. I just need to put on a better show for them."

In Week 6 action Balls Deep took on The Bangers in what looked to be a matchup between two City League titans. Unfortunately, for The Bangers, they forgot to bring any talent to Westside Park. Balls Deep toyed with them for a few innings, with the score tied 3-3 after 3 innings. It was all Balls Deep after that, cruising to a 15-3 blowout win. Suzi, filling in at catcher for the night, recorded her first career hit with Balls Deep, ending an 0-43 start to her slow-pitch softball career. Suzi said, "I feel like I've had some tough breaks at the plate. Hopefully this will be the start of something big, but I wouldn't put my money on it". Cherry Bomb was back in veteran form as he turned in a muti-hit game. His selfish actions from the previous week, however, still hadn't left the minds of some teammates, specifically CF Casey Hahn. Hahn said, "If he's wants to run off with some girl to make out, that's fine, but he needs to do it in our dugout on gamedays. That way we can all see it and take notes if we feel it's necessary". Hahn's feelings were shared by several teammates who voted Cherry Bomb "Least Favorite Teammate of Week 6".

In other news, the league commissioner has announced that the All-Star Game has been cancelled. After much deliberation and vote tallying, the league office had confirmed what the rest of the league had already suspected. The entire All-Star Game roster would have been made up the entire Balls Deep roster. Online voting has been halted and ideas are being sought for events that may be substituted for the All-Star Game.

Events suggested thus far include:

-Rematch in the Casey Hahn vs. Armadillo footrace from Week 2

-Dizzy Bat Race featuring entire Balls Deep squad vs. Tim Tebow

-Wrestling match pitting Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris vs. an authentic wild Florida Boar

It must be noted that if the Hahn-Armadillo race is selected, it will have to be a different armadillo. The last armadillo, suffered a career-ending death when it was hit by a passing car.

I'm Alive, Barely

It was touch and go for awhile there, but I'm proud to say that I am still alive and kicking. It started out as a normal Saturday in Florida. My friends Matt and Bill, along with myself, departed for a Jacksonville, FL fishing trip promptly at 4am from Gainesville, FL. We spent most of the drive discussing the wondrous creatures we would be fishing for. Mainly trout, redfish, and possibly the occasional flounder or a tarpon if we were lucky. Oh what a day this would be.

The first stop was at the house of Matt's father to pick up the boat and continue north to our fishing area. Upon hooking up the boat to Matt's vehicle, we were greeted by an intense odor. This was not a pleasant odor, and the worst part is that we could not pinpoint its location. We didn't think much of it, until we left the driveway where something appeared to be sitting in the driveway. Oh well, no big deal, probably just some garbage or something. We trekked onward, and then it hit Matt. Long story short, what we had just run over was a 2-week old rotisserie chicken that had severely decomposed in the driveway......and 25 miles later, the smell was still ingrained into the tires of our vehicle. While a little shaken up, we decided to continue on our trip. We had no idea what we were in store for.

Matt and I were in his boat, and Bill had his boat as well. Needless to say we had quite the fleet to attack our desired sea-dwelling creatures. We hit the water around 7:30am after picking up bait and doing a little detective work to track down Bill's wallet. As suspected, Bill's wallet was right where he left it. We set out towards the fishing grounds and proceeded to have minimal success for the first 5 hours or so of the day. While moving to a new spot, a 70lb tarpon taunted us by doing a cartwheel about 10 feet in front of our boat. It was determined that we would not stand for this behavior out a fish, for we were higher up on the food chain. In order to catch this fish, we would need some more attractive bait. Matt suggested mullet would do the trick. I then asked, "but won't a trailer park haircut just fall off the hook"? I then recalled that there was indeed a bait fish called mullet, so we proceeded to catch some with our cast net.

So, we were all set to start landing some serious fish. No more than 15 minutes after tossing our lines out there, Matt's fishing rod bends as our culprit, the tarpon, takes the bait. We confirmed this when he once again taunted us by doing another cartwheel, then promptly busting Matt's line as he took off with a full meal. Little did the sea-creatures know, they were merely fueling our fire. Matt rigged up a more durable fishing setup this time and tossed another mullet out there. About 15 minutes later, the fight was on, and this one was not going to get away. The problem was that there was no fish jumping out of the water, a sure sign of a tarpon. This was a large creature, so we were puzzled as what it could be. Maybe it was a stingray? Nope, it started to take off like a fish. Well, that settles it. It must be a shark. No worries though, they usually don't get too big in the area where we were fishing. Probably just a few feet long and no more than 50lbs or so. We handed our camera to Bill, untied our boat from his, and were prepared to fight this shark no matter what his size was. The fight was on.


After hitting the one hour mark fighting this shark, it was apparent our little friend was not so little. After an hour and fifteen minutes, our shark had finally surfaced. It was then we all realized that the shark Matt was attempting to land was indeed larger than he was. It was later determined that this shark was 5'9" and an estimated 150+lbs, which would have made him the 2nd largest living thing on our boat besides me. Shark meat is quite tasty if prepared and stored properly, so we decided we were going to attempt to take this one home. The problem was that none of the three of us had the slightest clue how to go about this. Bill had the talent to tie a slip-knot to put around the shark's tail, and I had the talent to be stupid enough to stick my hands in the water and tie the shark up. I also had the bright idea of trying to bring a live, 150lb shark on the boat with us.
For safety's sake, it's for the best that this is as far as I got it by myself. The shark was a little more feisty than anticipated.

We decided that we should probably play it safe and let the shark settle down a bit before letting him join us on our "floating boat of idiots". After awhile, Bill joined us on our boat to help finally bring the shark aboard. With his help, we finally had landed our shark and were ready to head home.......the shark had other plans though. About a minute was all this guy could sit still for then he started to make a break for the water by flipping about in the boat. By this time it was massive shark in the front, 3 scared guys in the back. I would like to point out that only one of us screamed like a schoolgirl though. We have it on video and that person knows who they are.

After this we were on our way home and everybody was still alive with all appendages still attached. That's a success in my book. No more than 3 hours later we would be feasting on shark steaks.

Final Score:

Boat of Idiots - 1
Feisty Shark - 0

Proud Traditions

My home state of Illinois is known for some pretty cool stuff. For a state that is 98% farmland (way to ruin it Chicago), Illinois has quite a few accomplishments they should be proud of. Abraham Lincoln gave his Farewell Address about 7 miles from my house, Michael Jordan won 6 titles in a city that should be its own state (maybe I'll cover that in another blog), the phrase "March Madness" was first used in reference to the Illinois High School basketball postseason, and most importantly sweetcorn festivals are celebrated each year at the exact hottest point of the year. Nothing says Illinois Summer like sweating profusely while you gobble up your 9th ear of sweetcorn.

Some more recent traditions have been attempted in Illinois and I'd like to cover some of the more notable ones for you loyal readers out there. I'll provide you with three examples: one of which failed to really take off, one of which has a strong tradition that is looking to live on, and one that is just getting started. In order to properly bias my story, I'll start with the tradition farthest from my hometown, and finish with the one closest to my hometown. I have provided a
link to a map that will help you to seek out the cities on our journey through this blog.

Our first stop takes us to Bath, IL for the Redneck Fishing Tournament. Bath is located about 55 miles to the northwest of my birth home of Rochester. This is something you have to see to believe, so check out the video. I'd also like to note that the redneck with the confederate flag must be an out-of-state fisherman. Even for Illinois rednecks, confederate flags are a little over the top. Picture a bunch of river-folk running around on a muddy river in their 16-foot aluminum boats trying to catch flying fish......without a fishing pole. While this may not quite have the status of a Farewell Address, it has built itself into quite a little event for the town of Bath. Thanks to The Brick Tavern, they even have a Wet-Tee Contest for the ladies, and a Tidy-Whitey Contest for the men. The best news yet, you haven't missed it. Hit the road and head to Bath, IL for the 2008 Redneck Fishing Tournament this weekend. You stay classy Bath.



From Bath, we move 48 miles to the southeast and arrive in Springfield, IL. The capital of Illinois is rich in history. Abraham Lincoln literally put Springfield on the map when he moved the capitol here from Vandalia in 1837. Now that's getting things done. Current Governor Rod Blagojevich has attempted to pull his own Lincolnesque move and turn Chicago into the capitol, but that's a different story. Springfield doesn't really do much to make the news these days, with Lincoln moving away and all. Enter the "Bird Whisperer". Apparently the city was looking to start a new tradition a little over a year ago......killing birds in the downtown area. The city hired an 84 year-old man, Jim Soules, and paid him $164,000 to rid the city of its bird problem in "non-lethal" ways. Apparently, his non-lethal "methods" involved guns and poison (the chemical, not the band), so that tradition didn't last long. He then died in June of this year. I'm guessing it was just of old age, but wouldn't it be ironic if it was avian bird flu?


Now, we move on to the east 7 miles to my hometown of Rochester, IL. This quaint little town of 3,500 has managed to build a multi-million dollar fine arts building on the high school's campus. A new and hopefully long-standing tradition of cultural event for the entire town to enjoy for years to come can now blossom in this state-of-the-art facility. Millions of dollars should get you a nice facility, right? One that has all the amenities you would need, right? One that matches the color of the existing buildings, right? Nice facility...check. Top notch amenities...check (they have a flying machine!?!?). Matching exterior color...oops. Instead of red brick, a gleaming white brick exterior coats this masterpiece. Oh well they said, let's start having some performances so we can start to pay for this thing. Next up "Urinetown". It's exactly how it sounds too. The musical centers around a town and its displeasure in mandatory pay-per-use toilets. This will be the 2nd fundraising performance at the facility. The Yankees have the "House that Ruth Built", Yankee Stadium, and now Rochester, IL can proudly say that they have the "House that Pee Built".

How Much Longer Must I Wait?

As I get older, it seems as though I care less and less about what clothes I wear for the most part. Every day for work, I wear one of two options for shorts, pick the next solid colored polo that happens to be in my standard polo lineup, slip on my flip-flops and head out the door. If I have a meeting, I might mix it up with a pair of slacks and actually put on some shoes. Anyway, I'm in the market for a new pair of shoes.

With this in mind, I was also thinking about getting another pair of shoes just to wear around that are comfortable. I saw a man at the gym the other day that was quite "advanced" in age. He had these tiny legs and surrounding his feet were what appeared to me as little pillows of heaven in velcro shoe form. That got me wondering, "What age is it OK for a man to wear velcro shoes on a regular basis"? I mean, when I was younger, I'm pretty sure I wore them out of my inability to properly tie my own shoes. There's a time when velcro becomes uncool as a kid, but when does it become socially acceptable again? I had this sweet pair of maroon velcro 'Roos (outsiders often called them by their proper name, Kangaroos). They had a pouch on the side just like the animal version, minus the slimy mucous, where you could hold your change and other kid paraphernalia. To top this off Ozzie Smith wore some 'Roos baseball spikes....seriously take a look at the Kangaroo emblem on the side of his shoes in the picture. So lets sum this up: velcro, pouch (without mucous), Ozzie Smith wears them. All good things for a young Cardinal fan, so I'd have to say my maroon 'Roos were my favorite shoes of all time.

Back to my dilemma. I'm going to be 28 on Sunday, and I'm wondering am I still too young to wear a pair of velcro shoes? To put my disdain for shoelaces into perspective, 3 months after my dog ate my shoelaces, I have yet to replace them because of their ease of slipping onto my feet. I shrug it off to my friends by saying "shoelaces are for rich people", but the truth is that I hate tying shoes. It just takes too much time and it doesn't seem like an efficient way to wear a pair of shoes. It would be so nice to put on a pair of 'Roos, slap on my velcro straps, stick my house key in their convenient pouch (without mucous), and go for a nice stroll around the neighborhood.

After that sentence, I may have even talked myself into getting a pair regardless of what anyone thinks. I'm pretty sure the man I saw wearing velcro shoes at the gym was somewhere between 90-120 years old, but he looked so happy in those shoes. If he can be comfortable wearing them, just think how they would feel on my feet. I bet this world would be a much happier place if everyone just wore a pair of 'Roos and went about there normal days. Whos idea was it to invent dress shoes anyway? If everyone revolts and just wears 'Roos, then it would be perfectly acceptable to wear velcro shoes in business meetings. Something to think about.

How'd That Get There?

Well, well, well. What do we have here? It gets tiring living in SEC country and hearing the repetitive scandals of college football players. Well, that pattern has shifted a little and now the focus is on one of the more famous former SEC head football coaches. Every team has their turn dealing with little behavioral "issues", and now it's Auburn's turn, specifically former football coach Pat Dye.

Just a little background on Pat Dye for those who haven't heard of him. As a player, Dye was a two-time All-American in 1959 and 1960 at the University of Georgia. As a coach, he was 153-62-5 over 19 seasons at East Carolina, Wyoming, and most notably at Auburn. While at Auburn, he won 4 SEC Championships, and stands 3rd all-time in wins at Auburn. Dye was named National Coach of the Year in 1983 and was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame in 2005. Sounds like he must have been pretty legendary while in Auburn, AL. You know, I bet they treated him like a god in Auburn in the 70's and 80's. That would be pretty cool to be in your late 30's early 40's coaching a successful SEC football teams in one of the most college-football crazy towns. I would venture to guess he had a pretty good time there. Enough fun to lose his pants? You be the judge.

As most Americans are aware, in the last couple of years, rain has been pretty scarce in the south. This has caused several recreational lakes to dry up, and some interesting things have popped up: ancient trees, cars, golf clubs, tools, Pat Dye's pants........wait, what!?!? Pat Dye's pants?? Apparently Shannon McDuffie was minding her own business just riding along the drought-stricken shores of Lake Martin in Alabama when she noticed a pair of slacks stuck in the mud. But, those could be anybody's pants right? Just because you find a pair of pants in a lake doesn't mean they're Pat Dye's. That is correct until you find Pat Dye's government issued gas card, frequent flier card, credit card, driver's license, and Toyota car keys attached to an Auburn football helmet key chain.......all from the 1980's!

With wallet, credit cards, and car keys, one would assume these pants were obviously in use at the time of their disrobing. When asked how he lost his pants Dye said "I have no idea how I lost 'em, but we can make up a good story". Suuuuuure Pat, we can make up a good story. You know, if I lost my pants with my car keys and wallet containing all of my credit cards and forms of ID, I'm pretty sure it would be a simple task to remember the scenario that left me pantless with no way into my car. For Pat, things must've been pretty interesting.

I can see it now, as Pat stumbles down an Alabama dirt road with no pants:

Police Officer: Sir, how come you don't have any pants on?

Pat Dye: Well, you see officer, I was out recruiting for next season. When I went to get in my car and come home, I realized I had no pants. You see, just a simple honest mistake.

Police Officer: So, you have no idea how you lost your pants? Can I see some ID?

Pat Dye: Well, actually I also seem to have misplaced all forms of ID.

Police Officer: Wait a second. Aren't you Pat Dye, the football coach?

Pat Dye: Yes, unfortunately I am. Officer, can you give me a ride home? I seem to have misplaced my car keys as well.

Police Officer: I think that'd be for the best. Especially with the stench of whiskey on your breath.

That's how I see it going down. A whiskey-drenched Pat Dye gets a cop-car ride home with no pants on. Now, I would think that would be pretty memorable. Apparently Pat Dye doesn't.

Who Wants a Piece of Us?

I'm being serious, who wants a piece? You other teams in the City League better watch out, and I'm looking at you Central Builders. Your schedule seems to be missing a game against us, and if I find out you're dodging Balls Deep, there's gonna be trouble in Gainesville. Balls Deep is on a roll after taking out Old School 13-2 in Week 3 action, and the rest of this league better take notice. You have all been officially warned.

The game got started in shocking fashion as a Balls Deep opponent scored first. The occurrence caused Coach Heater's cigarette to fall out of his mouth on the pitching mound, where he immediately went into shock from nicotine withdrawal. Luckily, first baseman Stephen Miller was able to find and place multiple nicotine patches directly onto Coach Heater's temples and bring him to his senses. "I saw a bright light and thought I was a goner", said a tense Coach Heater. He continued by saying, "I'll be fine as long as I have my sweet, sweet nicotine". Once the nicotine began to flow through Coach Heater's veins, he began to mow down opponents like fans have been accustomed to.

Brad Weitekamp and Cherry Bomb Charris ended their home run streaks at 2 games, but both turned in multi-hit games on the night. Cherry Bomb managed to put together a nice game at the plate despite what appeared to be a police helicopter circling overhead to confront him about potential "issues" with the law. "To my knowledge, I haven't done anything illegal since my massive steroid distribution ring was taken down during the last softball season", said Cherry Bomb. He continued by saying, "I learned my lesson with that, because I really thought we covered our tracks well, but I guess not. Who would have known that dumpster was owned by the police department". Casey Hahn also managed to put last week's armadillo race incident behind him. Indirectly killing an armadillo didn't seem to phase Hahn as he turned in a multi-hit game of his own. When asked about how he was able to move past last week's incident, Hahn replied, "What armadillo? I'm just out here doin' my thing".


There was some confusion at the start of the game as to the absence of some legendary Old School players. Balls Deep was really looking forward to playing Old School, as it was assumed the team would be made up of the movie cast from the 2003 comedy hit, Old School. "I was really looking forward to matching up against Blue Palasky and Frank "the Tank" Ricard, but obviously they are too good for slow-pitch softball", said shortstop Brad Weitekamp. Apparently there's good reason for Ricard and Palasky not being in uniform for the game after we spoke with Old School team manager Tim Wollmann. "Let me clear some things up. First of all, Palasky has been dead for almost 3 years now, so I'd say he's excused", said Wollmann. "As for Ricard, I'm not sure if you noticed in the movie, but he had a bit of a drinking problem, so he's been in the Betty Ford clinic for the better part of the past 5 years", commented Wollmann. He went on to say, "We'd love to have those guys out here, but with Palasky being dead and Ricard fighting alcoholism, I just don't see them being a part of this organization anytime soon".


Balls Deep moves to 3-0 on the season and has outscored opponents 51-9 in their first three matchups. Next week's game will feature Balls Deep vs. the Bench Warmers at 7:45pm.