A Disappointing Start to Summer

Summer is almost here, and in Florida, things have been in full swing at the local pools. Afternoon BBQ's, lounge chairs, and miniature humans in water-wings rule the day when the swimming pools open up for summer. Two thing you won't see, if my neighborhood's powers that be have a say, are booze and thongs. Its heartbreaking to say the least. I have interviewed several people in the area, mostly male, and they are furious with these developments. I have even found a few men openly weeping in the streets of North Central Florida.


It all began with another infamous letter from the delightful management staff in my quaint gated community. In order to keep my apartment complex's anonymity, I will refer to it as Smagnolia Splace. So, I get a letter from "Smagnolia Splace" management outlining their rules for summer pleasure. As I read through this letter, it quickly became apparent that our definitions for summer pleasure, specifically at the pool, were different. Fresh off their attempt last year at raising rent 40% through a mass-produced letter, "Smagnolia Splace" was trying to one-up themselves by prohibiting booze and g-strings/thongs at the pool. I know, crazy right?

Here are just some of the advantages of having these 2 elements prevalent at your local pool:

1. Increased weekly attendance at local pool facilities.

2. Promotes clothing with less fabric. Worldwide fabric shipping would be reduced, therefore reducing greenhouse emissions. This would save the Earth, plain and simple.

3. Used beer bottles and cans could be sold to local recycling facilities to raise money for local charities. It would feel good to build a better future based on bottles and cans.

4. Thongs would promote discussion amongst pool patrons leading to networking opportunities for young professionals in their spare time. The future of our country's economy depends on this.

In summary, alcohol consumption and thong wearing will increase charitable contributions, save the US economy, and save the Earth. I'm not genius, but these are all pretty good things. I'm working hard to get thongs and booze back on the permissible pool items list, but we'll see where it goes. Let me know if you can think of any other advantages that I can bring to the attention of "Smagnolia Splace" management for consideration.