A Disappointing Start to Summer

Summer is almost here, and in Florida, things have been in full swing at the local pools. Afternoon BBQ's, lounge chairs, and miniature humans in water-wings rule the day when the swimming pools open up for summer. Two thing you won't see, if my neighborhood's powers that be have a say, are booze and thongs. Its heartbreaking to say the least. I have interviewed several people in the area, mostly male, and they are furious with these developments. I have even found a few men openly weeping in the streets of North Central Florida.


It all began with another infamous letter from the delightful management staff in my quaint gated community. In order to keep my apartment complex's anonymity, I will refer to it as Smagnolia Splace. So, I get a letter from "Smagnolia Splace" management outlining their rules for summer pleasure. As I read through this letter, it quickly became apparent that our definitions for summer pleasure, specifically at the pool, were different. Fresh off their attempt last year at raising rent 40% through a mass-produced letter, "Smagnolia Splace" was trying to one-up themselves by prohibiting booze and g-strings/thongs at the pool. I know, crazy right?

Here are just some of the advantages of having these 2 elements prevalent at your local pool:

1. Increased weekly attendance at local pool facilities.

2. Promotes clothing with less fabric. Worldwide fabric shipping would be reduced, therefore reducing greenhouse emissions. This would save the Earth, plain and simple.

3. Used beer bottles and cans could be sold to local recycling facilities to raise money for local charities. It would feel good to build a better future based on bottles and cans.

4. Thongs would promote discussion amongst pool patrons leading to networking opportunities for young professionals in their spare time. The future of our country's economy depends on this.

In summary, alcohol consumption and thong wearing will increase charitable contributions, save the US economy, and save the Earth. I'm not genius, but these are all pretty good things. I'm working hard to get thongs and booze back on the permissible pool items list, but we'll see where it goes. Let me know if you can think of any other advantages that I can bring to the attention of "Smagnolia Splace" management for consideration.

Fishing for Clues

So, last night my brain had another odd dream. Some of you may recall what I refer to as "The Great Dream of '07". That dream had me involved in an airport smuggling operation somewhere in the Mediterranean, while being chased by Lt. Dangle of the TV show Reno 911 (pictured right). Luckily, my cohorts and I were able to escape Lt. Dangle by hijacking a Celine Dion Airlines flight. This dream had the "dream trifecta"--current celebrity involvement, illegal international activities, and a washed-up celebrity airline. The first two are easy to come by, but I knew I hit the jackpot of dreams when Celine Dion Airlines came into the picture. It went down as my best dream ever, and will be really hard to top.

Now, on to last night's dream. Nowhere near the Great Dream of '07, but a quality dream nonetheless. It began as a normal day at a hotel. This hotel was unique in that it had about 60 acres of just pools in the back of it (that's about 40 pools). This was a busy day at all of the pools, so I was wondering how I would be able to fish for bass with all of these people swimming in the pools. That's right, I was fishing for bass in a chain of hotel swimming pools. Normally, I would be thinking right along with all of you. Why would you ever fish for bass in hotel swimming pools? I'll tell you why. Because like any good fisherman, I checked the fishing reports, and they specifically said that bass fishing had been really good for the past two weeks in this particular hotel's swimming pools. I wasn't sure why it was just this hotel's swimming pools where the bass where biting, but when you hear the fishing is good, you just go and don't ask questions.

Like I said before, this hotel was busy, so I worried about snagging my line on swimmers. The last thing I wanted to do was get my fishing line caught on some toddler's water wings. At the same time, I wasn't about to pass up this chance on catching some good bass in a swimming pool. So, I tossed my line out there and started fishing. I'm not going to lie, I got some complaints from swimmers about hooking them on my first few casts. Who is to say it wasn't someone else's line though? There were several fisherman out there and it could have been any one of us. Anyway, once I got the hang of it, I started reeling in fish after fish. Those fishing reports didn't lie. These bass were hungry. An older guy told me it had something to do with the chlorine in the water, but I told him he was crazy and continued fishing.

Once I caught my limit of bass, I proceeded to clean them on the edge of the pool. I felt a little odd doing this, but I had already fished in a swimming pool, so I figured how much weirder can this experience get? Another successful day of pool fishing was in the books, and I was ready to head home to cook up my daily catch. In the back of my head I was thinking, "I hope these fish don't taste like pool water". This is the part where I woke up. I haven't had a weird dream like this in awhile, so I guess my brain knew I needed something to put in the blog. Good work brain, way to be on top of things.

Feel free to analyze this dream and give me your ideas. I read somewhere that when you dream of fish, it means someone is pregnant. I have a friend who just had a baby, so maybe my brain got confused with the due date. Let me know your thoughts.

Expectations For This Blog and a Little Info On My Brain

First off, do me a favor a set your expectations for this real low. That way we can all be pleasantly surprised by my talents. Don't get me wrong, I think my brain will have some interesting things to say on a weekly basis, but let's just keep our expectations low for awhile.

I have included a picture of my brain on the front page of this blog just to lend some credibility to the blog. The way I see it, wouldn't you want to know what my brain looks like if you're going to be reading blog posts from him? And, yes this is male brain you'll be hearing from. All you ladies out there can use this as a chance to learn about a male brain, although mine is far from the normal male brain. As for all you guys out there, just sit back and enjoy.

My brain will be updating this page on a pretty regular basis, so make sure you bookmark this page. You'll be able to read about a variety of topics on my brain's blog. For example, this week's blogs would have been focused on my dog's anorexic habits, a slow-pitch softball scandal, and minature humans (babies). Those are just things that went through my brain in the past few days, so imagine all the exciting things my brain will have to blog about!

My brain also takes pleasure in creating fake news stories, so you can expect to see a few of those in here too. Buckle up, its going to be an exciting ride.