Olympic Glory......Not Really #1

Wow, what an Olympics it was in Beijing. Michael Phelps is now officially been labeled the Greatest Olympian of All-Time, but there's one guy who will never be confused with the dolphin-like Phelps. Where Phelps glides through the water like a creature that was born of the sea, this man fights his way through the water like a llama with cement boots. With that being said, we proudly select Eric Moussambani as the worst Olympian of all-time.

Sarcastically nicknamed "The Eel", the pride of Equatorial Guinea broke onto the swimming scene in 2000 at the Summer Olympic Games in Sydney. Where most Olympians train for years preparing for Olympic glory, Moussambani felt that 8 months training in a hotel pool is all he would need to be ready. In a way, I guess he was right, as he actually won his first heat at the Summer Games in the 100m Freestyle event. The other two competitors in his heat were disqualified due to false starts, so technically Moussambani wasn't racing anyone else, but who's keeping track, right?

Now, let's put Moussambani's talent into a little bit of perspective. If you're like me, putting his racing times down won't do much to prove his worthiness of worst Olympian of all-time. In order to properly expose his lack of talent, we must compare him to some of the greatest swimmers in his era. Alexander Popov, one of the greatest swimmers of all-time happened to take home silver in the same event Moussambani was participating in, the 100m freestyle. His silver medal winning time was 48.69 seconds, while Moussambani recorded a sluggish time of just under 1 minute 53 seconds. Theoretically, Popov and the gold medalist, Pieter van den Hoogenband, could have finished their race, dried themselves off, gone to the concession stand to get a hot dog, and returned in time to see Moussambani finish his race. I don't think many Olympians eat hot dogs on a regular basis, so I'm guessing this probably didn't happen. It's still plausible though.

Many have tried to eclipse Moussambani's glory at the Sydney Games, but none have succeeded. Unfortunately, the Sydney Games would be The Eel's only Olympic appearance, but he set the bar for Olympic disappointment. Every 4 years his name is brought up in conversation as the Summer Games are upon us, hoping that the next Eric "The Eel" Moussambani will be discovered. The search continues, and who knows if there will ever be another Olympian like Moussambani.

For his lack of Olympic glory, Moussambani will receive a used swimming speedo and a medal that I have handmade out of tin foil, so Eric, if you're reading this, send me your home address and I'll get that shipped out for you. Congratulations, and thanks for the fond memories.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #2

Like the previous selection in our list, the number two selection is a team that I just couldn't leave off my list. This team plays in a sport most Americans can't stand to watch due to the rarity of teams actually scoring. Well, Americans would have loved to watch this team because they put up one of the most embarrassing defensive efforts in soccer, or "football", history. I present to you the 1912 Russian National Soccer Team.

This was an exciting time for Russia. World War I hadn't started yet, vodka exports were booming, and they finally had a soccer team in the Olympics. When looking at the history of Russian soccer, records always list how soccer has been played in Russia since 1887, 25 years prior to their first Olympics. Just a little tip for Russia: you might not want to brag about that too much. Another fact the history books like to mention as an accomplishment is that they lost to Finland 2-1 in their first ever Olympic Games. That's all fine and well, until you look at what happened in their other match in the Summer Games.

Finland was a decent team, who ended up finishing 4th in the 1912 Summer Games, so a 2-1 victory is nothing to be ashamed of. What they should be ashamed of is the 16-0 loss against Germany in their next game. That's right, they gave up 16 goals in a game that most people are accustomed to watching end in 0-0 ties. This was in 1912, so obviously video footage is a little hard to come by for this match, but one has to wonder if the Russian team was drunk or simply fell asleep.

The star of the show for Germany was Gottfried Fuchs, who scored 10 goals by himself! Seriously Russia, doesn't there come a point when you figure out you might want to guard him?? Something like a, "hey, that's the guy who has 7 goals already, let's step up the defense on him" probably would have done the trick. I guess that's a little to much to ask from the Russians though. If you take Fuchs' goals away, the Russians only get beat 6-0, which is just mildly embarrassing. A 16-0 loss is a complete disappointment to an entire country. Maybe that's why they went communist and changed the country's name 5 years later. Welcome to the list 1912 Russian National Soccer Team, your place will be forever secure here.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #3

We have now arrived to the number three spot on our countdown of the worst Olympians in history. So far we have featured two individuals, but I came across a team that just couldn't be denied recognition: the 1948 Iraq Men's Basketball Team. After taking 12 years off for World War II, the Summer Olympics were held in London. The world was ready to finally see the highest caliber athletes competing once again, while King George VI, Queen Elizabeth, and Queen Mary all were in attendance in a grand opening ceremony. Shortly thereafter, Iraq began what could be classified as the worst basketball performance in history. I was a little too young to be there, but I'm pretty sure the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers would have looked like gods next to this team.

Iraq started off the '48 Summer Games with a promising 102-30 loss at the hands of the mighty Philippines squad. Sadly, a 72-point loss would be as close as Iraq would get to sniffing a victory in pool play. Iraq finished pool play being outscored by its opponents by more than an 86 point scoring margin. I wasn't even aware that teams in 1948 could score 86 points in basketball, let alone beat another team by that kind of margin. Despite their horrible performance in pool play, they were able to tally 5 points somehow in their bracket, advancing to the 2nd round. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of scoring system advances a team to the 2nd round with an 0-5 pool play record, an offense averaging 22 points per game, and a defense allowing 109 points per game. I guess there was a strong desire to see some teams battle it out for 23rd place.

Iraq was matched up with Italy in the next round and actually gave their country a little hope they may be able to compete in the next round of play. True heart showed when the Iraq team was able to stay with Italy and hang in there for a 49 point loss. Well, Iraq lost in the 2nd round, so their games are over, right? Wrong, they received a bye in the next round of course! 0-6 apparently earns you a bye into the next round in the '48 Games. It's now become obvious that the 12 year hiatus has taken its toll on the Olympic scheduling committee.

The bye gave Iraq a little time to rest up for their matchup with Switzerland in the next round. This is what dreams are made of, playing for 21st place at the Olympic Games. Unfortunately for Iraq, 21st place is one of those "must be present to win" scenarios, and they forfeited by not showing up for their game. I guess their coach forgot to put "attend Olympic basketball game with my team" into his daily planner. 22nd place would have to do for this year's Games. Sadly, Iraq would not attend Helsinki to defend their 22nd place championship. It's this kind of sad performance that has earned the 1948 Iraq Men's Basketball Team a spot on our list.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #4

Here we are at the number four spot on our countdown to the world's worst Olympians in history. When looking back on the Olympics, there are definitely some memorable moments that you'll just never forget. Sometimes these moments are memorable for all the wrong reasons. That was the case when Great Britain's Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards strolled into Calgary to compete in the 1998 Winter Olympics ski-jumping competition. Edwards had already earned the title of the best ski jumper in Great Britain, but there was one major problem with that: Everyone in Great Britain is apparently BRUTAL at ski jumping. Edwards was an accomplished stunt jumper where he was able to jump 10 buses and 6 cars in his prime, however, he never seemed to translate any of that talent in the Calgary Winter Games.

Unlike our previous Olympian on the countdown, Abdul Baser Wasiqi, Edwards managed to not only secure last place in one event, but two. Such an accomplishment is almost unheard of, as training to finish last usually consumes too much time to allow for a dead last finish in any additional events. Not to be denied, Edwards beat all odds to take home last place in the 70m and 90m ski jumping contests. Edwards even set a new British record for distance in one of his jumps, demonstrating how truly awful the British are at ski jumping.

When a legend like this comes along, there are certain things that have to fall into place to help mold a last-place finisher. For Edwards, some feel that he was destined for doom due to his extreme eyesight problems. His telescopic glasses had to remain on at all times just for him to see. With the cold weather, the majority of Edwards' jumps took place with a nice set of frosty eyeglasses. Sounds like they hadn't invented contact lenses in Great Britain yet. Other people said sure the glasses helped him fail, but his weight was what made him a legendary last place finisher. At the time of competition, Eddie tipped the scales at 181lbs, which isn't bad until you realize that the average competitor weighed about 20lbs lighter. It can be settled on that a combination of beefiness and poor eyesight gave us the worst ski jumper in Olympic history 20 years ago.

So, let's all put our hands together for Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards. I'm sure there was pressure for him to lose a little weight and ditch the glasses, but he held strong. Due to his determination to go against the grain, he can now be mentioned right up there with some of the worst Olympians of all-time.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #5

We start our countdown of worst Olympic performances with someone you may be familiar with if you read the last blog posted. In all fairness, this Olympian claimed to have "hurt" his hamstring resulting his terrible performance at the 1996 Summer Games. This man holds a personal best in the marathon event with a time of 2 hours and 33 minutes, and had the honorable distinction of being the only Olympian from Afghanistan to participate in the 1996 Summer Games. Without further delay, I present Abdul Baser Wasiqi's marathon performance at the 1996 Summer Games in Atlanta as the #5 worst Olympic performances of all-time.

While Mr. Wasiqi finishes 5th in our contest, he wasn't so lucky in Atlanta during the 26th Olympiad......not by a long shot. Abdi Isak of Somalia was a heads-on favorite to finish last in the marathon, but Wasiqi wasn't about to let his last-place glory be stolen. When most athletes would have pulled out of the race after hurting their hamstring, Wasiqi knew he could become a legend if he stayed in the race. The table was now set: Isak of Somalia vs. Wasiqi of Afghanistan to see who could take home the title of worst marathoner in history.

I wasn't there, but I'm sure you could just feel the tension in the air. Two Olympic athletes going toe-to-toe, both striving for the same goal. It turned out Wasiqi ran, well limped, far behind his competition for a portion of the race. Just to be sure he finished last though, he took the veteran strategy of walking a good majority of the race to finish with a time of 4 hours and 24 minutes. For the record that is only 10 minutes faster than my marathon time, and I walked for 2 miles. Wasiqi blew away all other last-place challengers, finishing over an hour behind Isak who sadly took home 110th place. In order to really make Wasiqi feel like a last place finisher, he entered the Olympic Stadium to find workers making preparations for the Olympic's Closing Ceremonies. They had to postpone covering the track so the insistent Wasiqi could finish his "Olympic stroll".

The winning marathon time of the 1996 Summer Games was registered by Josia Thugwane of South Africa with a time of 2 hours and 12 minutes. The way I see it, our friend Mr. Wasiqi got to be an Olympic marathon runner twice as long as the winner did. What a sucker that Thugwane was. Congratulations Mr. Wasiqi, we salute your efforts!

Olympic Glory

The Olympics are finally here. After a long four-year wait the Summer Games have finally arrived up the algae filled waters of China and to the downtown doorsteps of pollution filled Beijing. The Great Wall isn't the only wall being discussed during the Games. That's right, the fake wall built to hide Beijing has the spotlight on. Its pretty bad when even the host country makes the decision, "hey, let's just put up a fake wall to hide our city". The whole "showcase your city" thing isn't something China is interested in. I hope those businesses got a nice payoff to stay closed during the Olympics. Its kind of hard to go to your favorite downtown deli when it has a 10ft fake wall in front of it. Anyway, on to the Games!

People always talk about the great Olympians. You know....Carl Lewis, Mark Spitz, Jackie Joyner-Kersee. That's good and all, but what about all the other Olympians who weren't so great. Nobody ever asks, "hey stranger, do you happen to remember who got dead last in the '96 Olympic Men's marathon"? Of course that's an easy one. Everybody knows that Abdul Baser Wasiqi is the guy that let down his entire country of Afghanistan. These are the type of people that we need not forget. When you think about it, there are a ton of people trying to be Olympians, and that's quite an accomplishment to be crowned the worst Olympian of all. I'd like to run down some of the worst Olympians of all-time.

In the coming days of the Olympics, I will research and select some of the worst-best athletes of all time. It will make you question athletic talent. It will make you question the desire of Olympians. It may even make you think there's still time for you to be an Olympian, but let's not get carried away. We all know that while you are drinking a beer watching Michael Phelps dominate in swimming, there is a kid out there training to be the Olympian that finishes dead last in the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. It could be a woman with asthma from Spain, who forgets her inhaler before the 2 mile run. It could be an American guy that just wants to go party in the Olympic Village before his boxing match. It could be a Jamaican sprinter that has too much sunscreen on his hands and drops the baton during his relay. We just don't know, and that's what the Olympic Spirit is all about.

Enjoy the Games, but don't forget to take notice when that last swimmer hits the wall. Its not everyday you can see one person let down an entire nation.