Who Do You Think You Are??

Nice to see you here. Its been awhile. Let's get reacquainted. I am Brad's brain, and I'm here to tell you a little bit about life through my perspective. The last few softball seasons have taken their toll on me, so I needed to take some time off to recharge the batteries.

To recap, since the last blog Brad and I have accomplished the following: played 2 softball seasons with Balls Deep, retired a teammate's jersey, cleaned up some dog vomit, started 2 new jobs (only to retire from both jobs no more than 4 months later), and decided to go back for more schooling to fill my brain with more adventures. Sure, we did some other things, but that covers most of it. After all of that, my lesson learned is pretty simple: don't do stuff you don't like, do stuff you do like. If you do that, you're doing alright. Long story short, that's what I've decided to start doing. That brings me to one thing I do like (fishing) and what specific thought occurred to me while doing some solo kayak fishing on the Gulf Coast........who do you think you are?

Let me paint a picture. Say you keep walking up to some random person trying to hang out with them. There you are just standing there, and then BAM! The other person just tries to punch you in the face. Luckily your reflexes are pretty quick and you escape unharmed. You go back to that same person, and the same thing happens. At this point you figure out, "hey, I'm getting the feeling this person doesn't really want to hang out with me". So you go on your way, and that's the end of it. You don't get punched in the face, and the other person doesn't have to hang out with you. Works out well for both sides if you ask me.

Now, I had the equivalent happen to me while attempting to do some fishing. Just insert me for the person doing the punching and a horsefly (pictured) in the place of the annoying person trying to unwillingly hang out. I mean seriously, are horseflies that dumb? Do they just not have any friends in the animal kingdom? They're obviously called horseflies for a reason. Go hang out on the back of some stallion in a meadow, and let me do some fishing. Who did this horsefly think he was, and why was he all the way out in the Gulf of Mexico repeatedly trying to hang out on my leg? I wonder if those Somalian pirates have to worry about horseflies? I'm way cooler to hang out with than a Somalian pirate, so I bet horseflies never try to hangout with them. Anyway, after repeated swats at this creature, I had no choice......this horsefly needed to die. When you're out on the open seas, crazy things happen and this was no exception. I looked this horsefly right in its eyes and said, "who do you think you are"? I continued, "I just want to fish and you keep trying to bite me. I don't even know you and you just won't stop biting me. I'm a good guy, and don't deserve this, and now you are going to die". After looking around to make sure there were no witnesses, I quickly ended this bug's life as quickly as it entered mine. Its a shame things had to come to this, but it had to be done.

Emotional Rollercoaster

It's taken about a month for this writer to fully process the range of emotions created from the conclusion of the Summer softball season. It is with great sadness, that I report Balls Deep finished in a disappointing 3rd place in the A-League Summer League Playoffs. Despite the crying, finger-pointing, and internal fist-fights, Balls Deep team members seemed to take the loss OK.......well most people.

Coach Heater lost his cool once again, and even refused to pitch in what would be the final game of the Balls Deep season. After the game, he didn't hold back while talking with reporters. "We have the highest payroll in the league, and we finished 3rd", yelled Coach Heater. "Some things are going to have to change around here. I can't afford to pay these guys to come out and play like this much longer", Heater continued. On a brighter note, there were some positives that came out of the loss. Centerfielder, Casey Hahn, was honored in the 5th inning for setting the league record for "Most Curse Words Said Under His Breath". A short ceremony commemorated this historic milestone, while Hahn addressed the crowd with a brief acceptance speech. "I knew I had spent the majority of this season pretty ticked off at my teammates, but I had no clue I was so close to setting this record", said a surprised Hahn.

The Balls Deep season seemed to take a turn for the worse after they closed out the regular season with 2 consecutive losses. Tabloids began to show a disturbing trend as it was rumored that there was some turmoil between some of the teammates. This picture (right) was released by a Gainesville Sun photographer as evidence that Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris had reached a point where he felt he could park his Toyota 4 Runner whereever and however he wanted. "Look, I've earned this. I run this town, and I'll do whatever I want", said a defiant Cherry Bomb. This obviously was a cry for help, as Cherry Bomb saw his softball season crumbling in front of him. It was at this time that Cherry Bomb was immediately awarded "Outback Steakhouse Prima Donna of the Year", as it was evident no individual could top this outlandish behavior. Cherry Bomb promptly slammed down his award plaque stating he was "too good for this stupid honor", further solidifying his selection.

It seemed as though Coach Heater was all talk when referring to "making some changes", but for once he backed it up shortly after season's end. In a closed-door meeting, Coach Heater and right fielder, Craig, discussed the future direction of Balls Deep. This two-hour meeting resulted in a press conference where a normally quiet Craig took the lead in the conversation. Below, are transcripts from all parties participating in the press conference.

Craig:

"Coach Heater and I just had a discussion that I feel will be for the best of the Balls Deep franchise. It is with deep regret that I announce my retirement from Balls Deep. As with anything in my life, I feel like rule #1 is to always give it your full 70% effort. It was apparent that I could no longer do that. Behind my back, Coach Heater had hired a mathematician to calculate my effort during our games. The mathematician concluded that I was giving anywhere from 55-60% effort in most games. I'm not good with numbers, but he told me this was 10-15% below where I needed to be to give my full 70% effort. I have enjoyed my time with Balls Deep, but I just don't have anything left in the tank. It's best for both parties if we just part ways at this time. If I can't give my full 70% effort, I just don't feel like continuing this charade."

Coach Heater:

"I know many of you in the media want to point fingers and blame people for the way this season turned out. So, let me get this out of the way real quick. I say we all point our fingers at Craig. He's the man to blame for everything. Let's take all the focus off of my pitching performance once and for all, and finally place the blame where it needs to go. Now that we got that out of the way, I'd like to also announce the free-agent signing of our new utility player, Evan Stone. Evan is a guy we've been after for a few seasons now, but his agent kept holding out for a better contract offer. After turning down an offer to play in the Indonesian winter league, Evan decided to join the Balls Deep family. Evan, why don't you come up and say a few words........Craig, I think we're done with you. You can go on home now."

Evan Stone:

"First off, let me say what a honor it is to put on this Balls Deep uniform. Playing for the 3rd best team in the Tuesday Night Coed Gainesville City League A Division is simply a dream come true for me. I know I have some pretty small shoes to fill, so I'll do my best to make the franchise proud. It sounds like there were some stamina issues with last year's team, and I plan on introducing my teammates to my rigorous cardio training schedule. I think fans are really going to like the show we'll put on each week. Not only do I think we'll be talented, but I also have been working on some Harlem Globetrotters-like tricks to bring the crowd into games. You'll just have to come out to the park on Tuesday nights to see what I'm talking about."

Balls Deep opens up Fall/Winter League Play October 21st against an unannounced opponent. Rumors have it that several of the Balls Deep team members have been taking their 3 week offseason to better prepare their bodies for this season. Brad Weitekamp and Casey Hahn have taken the conventional route of weights and cardio. True to his rebel nature, Cherry Bomb is rumored to be participating in yoga routines by day and multiple drinking games by night. Free-agent signee Evan Stone has been spotted on various StairMaster equipment throughout the Gainesville area. If this hard work is any indication, this could be a fun squad to watch this season.

What A Bunch of Losers

The Balls Deep softball squad suffered a heartbreaking end to the regular season with a doubleheader sweep at the hands of Chaos and The Heat in City League softball action Tuesday night. Balls Deep still has qualified to participate in the "A League" Divisional Playoffs, but one question remains: Does anyone even care anymore?

Some questionable coaching decisions were made throughout the evening, such as inserting a girl into the starting lineup that hadn't played softball (or any other sport with a ball) in her life. Secretly, in my head, I bestowed the nickname "Rally Killer" upon her, mainly for her uncanny ability to be the batter with the bases loaded and strike out to end several promising innings. It was a bold strategy by Coach Heater to insert Rally Killer into the lineup, so he must have seen a little fire in her eyes that I was unaware of. Coach Heater commented, "We had won so many games in a row, I just figured I'd mix it up by throwing a completely inexperienced player into the lineup". When asked if he realized these were probably the 2 most important games Balls Deep had played to date, Coach Heater simply said, "ummmm........kinda forgot about that detail".

Balls Deep will have to do some soul-searching to be prepared in time for next week's playoffs. Some team members took the loss harder than others, and Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris was one who took the loss especially hard. "I really thought this was our year", said Cherry Bomb. He continued on by saying, "I just moved into a new townhouse a few weeks ago, so I've had a lot on my mind. Tonight sure doesn't help me cope very well with my issues". It took a good five minutes, but Cherry Bomb eventually lumbered back to his SUV and drove home visibly distraught. Craig, the Balls Deep rightfielder, left the field seemingly dazed by the evening. "What happened", asked Craig in an almost inaudible jumble of words. When Coach Heater informed him that Balls Deep just got beat in two straight games, it became apparent that Craig was asleep in rightfield for a good portion of the doubleheader. That explained why it appeared as though he was swinging with a pillow during his at-bats.

The night got ugly when a Balls Deep fan (and dog) began to boo the on-field performance of Balls Deep. Katie (who wouldn't reveal her last name despite the fact she's married to a player) said she "had enough and wanted to voice her displeasure". Coach Heater said, "I can understand a person booing us, but it appeared as though she taught her dog how to boo us through an elaborate treat rewarding system. A little uncalled for if you ask me". Heater closed by saying, "it was obvious that dog was only booing to get more treats".

I guess we'll see how Balls Deep bounces back after such a deflating evening of defeat. One thing is for sure after those 2 losses: Balls Deep lost a lot of respect and dished out a bunch of disappointment across Gainesville and its surrounding communities. Time will tell if their loyal fans will stick it out through such trying times.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #1

Wow, what an Olympics it was in Beijing. Michael Phelps is now officially been labeled the Greatest Olympian of All-Time, but there's one guy who will never be confused with the dolphin-like Phelps. Where Phelps glides through the water like a creature that was born of the sea, this man fights his way through the water like a llama with cement boots. With that being said, we proudly select Eric Moussambani as the worst Olympian of all-time.

Sarcastically nicknamed "The Eel", the pride of Equatorial Guinea broke onto the swimming scene in 2000 at the Summer Olympic Games in Sydney. Where most Olympians train for years preparing for Olympic glory, Moussambani felt that 8 months training in a hotel pool is all he would need to be ready. In a way, I guess he was right, as he actually won his first heat at the Summer Games in the 100m Freestyle event. The other two competitors in his heat were disqualified due to false starts, so technically Moussambani wasn't racing anyone else, but who's keeping track, right?

Now, let's put Moussambani's talent into a little bit of perspective. If you're like me, putting his racing times down won't do much to prove his worthiness of worst Olympian of all-time. In order to properly expose his lack of talent, we must compare him to some of the greatest swimmers in his era. Alexander Popov, one of the greatest swimmers of all-time happened to take home silver in the same event Moussambani was participating in, the 100m freestyle. His silver medal winning time was 48.69 seconds, while Moussambani recorded a sluggish time of just under 1 minute 53 seconds. Theoretically, Popov and the gold medalist, Pieter van den Hoogenband, could have finished their race, dried themselves off, gone to the concession stand to get a hot dog, and returned in time to see Moussambani finish his race. I don't think many Olympians eat hot dogs on a regular basis, so I'm guessing this probably didn't happen. It's still plausible though.

Many have tried to eclipse Moussambani's glory at the Sydney Games, but none have succeeded. Unfortunately, the Sydney Games would be The Eel's only Olympic appearance, but he set the bar for Olympic disappointment. Every 4 years his name is brought up in conversation as the Summer Games are upon us, hoping that the next Eric "The Eel" Moussambani will be discovered. The search continues, and who knows if there will ever be another Olympian like Moussambani.

For his lack of Olympic glory, Moussambani will receive a used swimming speedo and a medal that I have handmade out of tin foil, so Eric, if you're reading this, send me your home address and I'll get that shipped out for you. Congratulations, and thanks for the fond memories.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #2

Like the previous selection in our list, the number two selection is a team that I just couldn't leave off my list. This team plays in a sport most Americans can't stand to watch due to the rarity of teams actually scoring. Well, Americans would have loved to watch this team because they put up one of the most embarrassing defensive efforts in soccer, or "football", history. I present to you the 1912 Russian National Soccer Team.

This was an exciting time for Russia. World War I hadn't started yet, vodka exports were booming, and they finally had a soccer team in the Olympics. When looking at the history of Russian soccer, records always list how soccer has been played in Russia since 1887, 25 years prior to their first Olympics. Just a little tip for Russia: you might not want to brag about that too much. Another fact the history books like to mention as an accomplishment is that they lost to Finland 2-1 in their first ever Olympic Games. That's all fine and well, until you look at what happened in their other match in the Summer Games.

Finland was a decent team, who ended up finishing 4th in the 1912 Summer Games, so a 2-1 victory is nothing to be ashamed of. What they should be ashamed of is the 16-0 loss against Germany in their next game. That's right, they gave up 16 goals in a game that most people are accustomed to watching end in 0-0 ties. This was in 1912, so obviously video footage is a little hard to come by for this match, but one has to wonder if the Russian team was drunk or simply fell asleep.

The star of the show for Germany was Gottfried Fuchs, who scored 10 goals by himself! Seriously Russia, doesn't there come a point when you figure out you might want to guard him?? Something like a, "hey, that's the guy who has 7 goals already, let's step up the defense on him" probably would have done the trick. I guess that's a little to much to ask from the Russians though. If you take Fuchs' goals away, the Russians only get beat 6-0, which is just mildly embarrassing. A 16-0 loss is a complete disappointment to an entire country. Maybe that's why they went communist and changed the country's name 5 years later. Welcome to the list 1912 Russian National Soccer Team, your place will be forever secure here.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #3

We have now arrived to the number three spot on our countdown of the worst Olympians in history. So far we have featured two individuals, but I came across a team that just couldn't be denied recognition: the 1948 Iraq Men's Basketball Team. After taking 12 years off for World War II, the Summer Olympics were held in London. The world was ready to finally see the highest caliber athletes competing once again, while King George VI, Queen Elizabeth, and Queen Mary all were in attendance in a grand opening ceremony. Shortly thereafter, Iraq began what could be classified as the worst basketball performance in history. I was a little too young to be there, but I'm pretty sure the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers would have looked like gods next to this team.

Iraq started off the '48 Summer Games with a promising 102-30 loss at the hands of the mighty Philippines squad. Sadly, a 72-point loss would be as close as Iraq would get to sniffing a victory in pool play. Iraq finished pool play being outscored by its opponents by more than an 86 point scoring margin. I wasn't even aware that teams in 1948 could score 86 points in basketball, let alone beat another team by that kind of margin. Despite their horrible performance in pool play, they were able to tally 5 points somehow in their bracket, advancing to the 2nd round. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of scoring system advances a team to the 2nd round with an 0-5 pool play record, an offense averaging 22 points per game, and a defense allowing 109 points per game. I guess there was a strong desire to see some teams battle it out for 23rd place.

Iraq was matched up with Italy in the next round and actually gave their country a little hope they may be able to compete in the next round of play. True heart showed when the Iraq team was able to stay with Italy and hang in there for a 49 point loss. Well, Iraq lost in the 2nd round, so their games are over, right? Wrong, they received a bye in the next round of course! 0-6 apparently earns you a bye into the next round in the '48 Games. It's now become obvious that the 12 year hiatus has taken its toll on the Olympic scheduling committee.

The bye gave Iraq a little time to rest up for their matchup with Switzerland in the next round. This is what dreams are made of, playing for 21st place at the Olympic Games. Unfortunately for Iraq, 21st place is one of those "must be present to win" scenarios, and they forfeited by not showing up for their game. I guess their coach forgot to put "attend Olympic basketball game with my team" into his daily planner. 22nd place would have to do for this year's Games. Sadly, Iraq would not attend Helsinki to defend their 22nd place championship. It's this kind of sad performance that has earned the 1948 Iraq Men's Basketball Team a spot on our list.

Olympic Glory......Not Really #4

Here we are at the number four spot on our countdown to the world's worst Olympians in history. When looking back on the Olympics, there are definitely some memorable moments that you'll just never forget. Sometimes these moments are memorable for all the wrong reasons. That was the case when Great Britain's Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards strolled into Calgary to compete in the 1998 Winter Olympics ski-jumping competition. Edwards had already earned the title of the best ski jumper in Great Britain, but there was one major problem with that: Everyone in Great Britain is apparently BRUTAL at ski jumping. Edwards was an accomplished stunt jumper where he was able to jump 10 buses and 6 cars in his prime, however, he never seemed to translate any of that talent in the Calgary Winter Games.

Unlike our previous Olympian on the countdown, Abdul Baser Wasiqi, Edwards managed to not only secure last place in one event, but two. Such an accomplishment is almost unheard of, as training to finish last usually consumes too much time to allow for a dead last finish in any additional events. Not to be denied, Edwards beat all odds to take home last place in the 70m and 90m ski jumping contests. Edwards even set a new British record for distance in one of his jumps, demonstrating how truly awful the British are at ski jumping.

When a legend like this comes along, there are certain things that have to fall into place to help mold a last-place finisher. For Edwards, some feel that he was destined for doom due to his extreme eyesight problems. His telescopic glasses had to remain on at all times just for him to see. With the cold weather, the majority of Edwards' jumps took place with a nice set of frosty eyeglasses. Sounds like they hadn't invented contact lenses in Great Britain yet. Other people said sure the glasses helped him fail, but his weight was what made him a legendary last place finisher. At the time of competition, Eddie tipped the scales at 181lbs, which isn't bad until you realize that the average competitor weighed about 20lbs lighter. It can be settled on that a combination of beefiness and poor eyesight gave us the worst ski jumper in Olympic history 20 years ago.

So, let's all put our hands together for Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards. I'm sure there was pressure for him to lose a little weight and ditch the glasses, but he held strong. Due to his determination to go against the grain, he can now be mentioned right up there with some of the worst Olympians of all-time.