Coach Heater lost his cool once again, and even refused to pitch in what would be the final game of the Balls Deep season. After the game, he didn't hold back while talking with reporters. "We have the highest payroll in the league, and we finished 3rd", yelled Coach Heater. "Some things are going to have to change around here. I can't afford to pay these guys to come out and play like this much longer", Heater continued. On a brighter note, there were some positives that came out of the loss. Centerfielder, Casey Hahn, was honored in the 5th inning for setting the league record for "Most Curse Words Said Under His Breath". A short ceremony commemorated this historic milestone, while Hahn addressed the crowd with a brief acceptance speech. "I knew I had spent the majority of this season pretty ticked off at my teammates, but I had no clue I was so close to setting this record", said a surprised Hahn.
The Balls Deep season seemed to take a turn for the worse after they closed out the regular season with 2 consecutive losses. Tabloids began to show a disturbing trend as it was rumored that there was some turmoil between some of the teammates. This picture (right) was released by a Gainesville Sun photographer as evidence that Ric "Cherry Bomb" Charris had reached a point where he felt he could park his Toyota 4 Runner whereever and however he wanted. "Look, I've earned this. I run this town, and I'll do whatever I want", said a defiant Cherry Bomb. This obviously was a cry for help, as Cherry Bomb saw his softball season crumbling in front of him. It was at this time that Cherry Bomb was immediately awarded "Outback Steakhouse Prima Donna of the Year", as it was evident no individual could top this outlandish behavior. Cherry Bomb promptly slammed down his award plaque stating he was "too good for this stupid honor", further solidifying his selection.It seemed as though Coach Heater was all talk when referring to "making some changes", but for once he backed it up shortly after season's end. In a closed-door meeting, Coach Heater and right fielder, Craig, discussed the future direction of Balls Deep. This two-hour meeting resulted in a press conference where a normally quiet Craig took the lead in the conversation. Below, are transcripts from all parties participating in the press conference.
Craig:
"Coach Heater and I just had a discussion that I feel will be for the best of the Balls Deep franchise. It is with deep regret that I announce my retirement from Balls Deep. As with anything in my life, I feel like rule #1 is to always give it your full 70% effort. It was apparent that I could no longer do that. Behind my back, Coach Heater had hired a mathematician to calculate my effort during our games. The mathematician concluded that I was giving anywhere from 55-60% effort in most games. I'm not good with numbers, but he told me this was 10-15% below where I needed to be to give my full 70% effort. I have enjoyed my time with Balls Deep, but I just don't have anything left in the tank. It's best for both parties if we just part ways at this time. If I can't give my full 70% effort, I just don't feel like continuing this charade."
Craig:
"Coach Heater and I just had a discussion that I feel will be for the best of the Balls Deep franchise. It is with deep regret that I announce my retirement from Balls Deep. As with anything in my life, I feel like rule #1 is to always give it your full 70% effort. It was apparent that I could no longer do that. Behind my back, Coach Heater had hired a mathematician to calculate my effort during our games. The mathematician concluded that I was giving anywhere from 55-60% effort in most games. I'm not good with numbers, but he told me this was 10-15% below where I needed to be to give my full 70% effort. I have enjoyed my time with Balls Deep, but I just don't have anything left in the tank. It's best for both parties if we just part ways at this time. If I can't give my full 70% effort, I just don't feel like continuing this charade."
Coach Heater:
"I know many of you in the media want to point fingers and blame people for the way this season turned out. So, let me get this out of the way real quick. I say we all point our fingers at Craig. He's the man to blame for everything. Let's take all the focus off of my pitching performance once and for all, and finally place the blame where it needs to go. Now that we got that out of the way, I'd like to also announce the free-agent signing of our new utility player, Evan Stone. Evan is a guy we've been after for a few seasons now, but his agent kept holding out for a better contract offer. After turning down an offer to play in the Indonesian winter league, Evan decided to join the Balls Deep family. Evan, why don't you come up and say a few words........Craig, I think we're done with you. You can go on home now."
Evan Stone:
"First off, let me say what a honor it is to put on this Balls Deep uniform. Playing for the 3rd best team in the Tuesday Night Coed Gainesville City League A Division is simply a dream come true for me. I know I have some pretty small shoes to fill, so I'll do my best to make the franchise proud. It sounds like there were some stamina issues with last year's team, and I plan on introducing my teammates to my rigorous cardio training schedule. I think fans are really going to like the show we'll put on each week. Not only do I think we'll be talented, but I also have been working on some Harlem Globetrotters-like tricks to bring the crowd into games. You'll just have to come out to the park on Tuesday nights to see what I'm talking about."
Balls Deep opens up Fall/Winter League Play October 21st against an unannounced opponent. Rumors have it that several of the Balls Deep team members have been taking their 3 week offseason to better prepare their bodies for this season. Brad Weitekamp and Casey Hahn have taken the conventional route of weights and cardio. True to his rebel nature, Cherry Bomb is rumored to be participating in yoga routines by day and multiple drinking games by night. Free-agent signee Evan Stone has been spotted on various StairMaster equipment throughout the Gainesville area. If this hard work is any indication, this could be a fun squad to watch this season.
